Real Housewives of Dallas

Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: House of Fritos

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This week on Real Housewives of Dallas Tiffany threw a charity event to highlight her husband Aaron’s singing career at the House of Blues, Brandi is shaken by news about her brother, and Leeanne and Stephanie attempted to reconcile their relationship.

HEIDI

Heidi Dillon was a force to reckon with. Known for having a large home filled with uncomfortable furniture and an obsession with Stevie Nicks she had large checks and a mouth that would write them. Leeanne considered her a mentor. Heidi left her sports car with the valet and galloped her way towards the restaurant to meet them. She was wearing a Moschino tracksuit with a Flavor Flav necklace, perfect attire for mid-day salads. Heidi was the kind of woman who would call her nephew’s kids just to find out what the kids were wearing these days. They’d cover the phone and laugh and then tell her it was all about being a gangsta. “Got it,” she would say and then quickly call her personal shopper. “I need you to pull outfits I could wear to the BET Hip Hop Awards. Lots of gold. Have them sent to the house. I’ve got a lunch meeting on Thursday.” She sat down and gave Leeanne and Tiffany Hermes bags. “Before you get excited, it’s not a gift from a luxury boutique. I made shirts on Zazzle that say Skanks of Dallas.” Tiffany and Leeanne were thrilled. To be called a skank by Heidi was high praise. “I haven’t been on the social scene lately,” Heidi explained. “How about I throw a party to meet some of the new girls. I will make my famous frito chili pie,” a concoction of beef and bean slop piled on top of corn chips and then drizzled with sour cream paste. An invitation would be extended to Cary, even though Heidi was quick to say there had been rumors in Dallas about how Cary had secured her husband’s interest. They clanged glasses of rose.

BREAST ANNIVERSARY

Business was booming at the Steuber Breast Factory after Cary uploaded pictures of herself in lingerie. She was so busy she had hadn’t remembered it was her wedding anniversary. As she handed Mark a scalpel he noted how much he was looking forward to having sex with her after they left the office. It was pretty usual. While the patient was unconscious and they were working hard to make sure the implant was properly secured the nursing staff would be forced to listen to how their boss and his wife would be boning each other later.

That night Cary gave Mark a card and he gave her a Roberto Cavalli dress his personal shopper hand delivered. He made sure she understood it cost more than his first car. Her closet was built by breast reconstruction.

BRANDI AND BRYAN

After a few nights sleeping on the couch Bryan had come to understand how important the family barbeque with her estranged grandfather had been to his wife. They met for a drink at an empty restaurant and he offered her an apology. She had been through enough that week with her brother suffering from PTSD from the war and not having the support of the man she had been with since the 90s. “I know it’s hard for you being alone and we need to take time to rekindle our relationship,” he said with the enthusiasm of a football player trying out for the high school musical. Being on camera wasn’t his bag. Brandi could gyrate in front of a stadium filled with horny football fans. He had trouble mustering up enough ball strength to speak in front of 12 people at a real estate luncheon. When she brought up the idea of being on a reality show with her best friend the previous spring he thought it would be a good way for her to parlay her fame into a hosting job on Good Morning Plano. He didn’t think he’d actually have to show up to events or walk through his house while camera crews filmed her making spaghetti with their daughters. He was pale, hated all forms of dancing, and periodically chewed his toenails. Why would he want to be televised? He apologized and she appreciated it because he rarely acknowledged mistakes. She promised to go home and read all of his old love letters from high school so she could remember the good times before they had a mortgage and two kids to put through college.

APOLOGY

Leeanne asked Stephanie to meet with her so she could apologize for being such a lunatic at Marie’s cocktail party. “I didn’t have a peaceful childhood,” she explained while Stephanie gnawed on a piece of cornbread. “I wouldn’t wish my childhood on anyone.” Stephanie realized the apology was more for Leeanne than for her. Did she care about the details of her hellacious childhood amongst the animals and circus tents? Of course not, but she wanted to keep the peace because it makes it better for everyone else. Leeanne thought God gave her all her burdens so she could become a speaker on a motivational speech circuit. “Leeanne is one of the most narcissistic people I have ever met,” Stephanie explained, “it is always about her. It is beyond exhausting.”

HOUSE OF BLUES

Tiffany and her husband K-Aaron were looking forward to their charity event supporting children in East Africa. It was his opportunity to show the good people of Dallas he was a talented singer and songwriter, even if he had been mistaken two days earlier by a local restaurant server as Billy Ray Cyrus. “It’s the highlights,” they said. Tiffany had hair swept back like a show poodle at the Westminster Dog Show. Heidi entered with dagger nails and an oversized fan. “Stay on her good side,” Brandi was warned. Cary wondered if Heidi could tone it down several notches. “Would you like to come to my dinner party?” Heidi asked the women. “It will be gothic state fair,” she said as the others eyes rolled from side to side. What the hell does that mean? What would you wear to a party centered on looking like a corpse at a recreational event for a political subdivision? “I will supply the corn dogs,” Heidi said. Cary congratulated Heidi on being 60, old enough to not care about what you look like, which confused her. Was that a joke or an insult? (It was an insult, m’lady).

K-Aaron had a beautiful voice and graciously dedicated a song to Brandi’s brother. They all cried and so did I. DAMN YOU, K-Aaron. Stephanie stood beside Brandi and held her. Brandi was grateful she had Stephanie to lean on.

HOUSE OF FRITOS

Now that Leeanne had made up with Stephanie Cary was on her shit list. Maybe if Cary let her walls down Leeanne could be a better human by not suggesting Cary met her husband while he was wed to another lady?

Cary’s friend Courtney was willing to tag along to Heidi’s party. They figured if the party was lame they could leave early and go find a rave. Why put their weird costumes and stage makeup to waste?

Heidi was busy placing the bottles of Mountain Dew on the counter while her housecleaner mixed the pot of chili. “I remember the days when I could guzzle a 2-liter before mowing down a tray of corn dogs,” said Leeanne. She was wearing a Mad Max suit and three layers of aggressive blush. Brandi was consumed about the Evite so she wore a skull prom gown and carried roses from the grocery store. Amidst the housewives there was a small man named Taylor, a man wearing a red pantsuit, and a party planner wearing a Little Bo Peep dress and a removable beard while carrying a stuffed pig. Cary kept looking for the exits, especially when she realized she would need to eat carbohydrates. “Terrific, chili pie made of cans of chili on top of a snack you can get from a vending machine. Delicious.” She looked at Courtney and blinked Let’s Get the Hell Out Of Here in Morse code. The party had bad energy and not enough vitamin water.

Heidi sat beside the younger women on the couch and said Cary would entertain the guests with street fair food. Cary wasn’t amused. If she were to do that it would be in the privacy of her home with the guy she had been married to for 6 years.

“This is how Heidi’s parties always go,” said Leeanne. “This is what in Dallas social circles and on Native American reservations they would call a pow wow.” But the party was a bust. Heidi was friend’s with Mark’s ex-wife, so she would never accept Cary. So everyone suffered.

NEXT WEEK:

Travis celebrates his birthday. Cary orders the wrong birthday cake. Stephanie asks her husband to stop treating her like a child.

Real Housewives of Dallas, Recap, Heidi, Cary,

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mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

2 Comments

  1. Nona

    May 25, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    “She was wearing a Mad Max suit and three layers of aggressive blush.” — best line I will read on the Internet today.

    • mm

      Kate

      May 25, 2016 at 4:46 pm

      Thank you!!

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