Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Dorit

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On the season premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump introduced the group to her friend Dorit and Erika celebrated her 45th birthday.

CLOSET

Kyle pulled a kaftan from her Faye Resnick designed closet mid-conversation with Lisa Vanderpump. There was a new friend she wanted her to meet, a married friend with a weird accent named Dorit. “Did you say Dorito?” Kyle asked. “No, it’s Dorit, like you open a door before you eat,” Lisa screamed into her cell phone. “Ah, yes,” Kyle replied. “I have heard so much about her from not only you but from Boy George, whom I met on the set of The Apprentice. You now he is my spirit animal,” she explained while a photo of Kyle appeared on the screen from the 1980s. “Do you really want to hurt me was my jam,” she whispered.

DORIT

Dorit explained that she did it all while a makeup team applied bronzer to her face and two hair extension specialists glued in added pieces to her head. She and her talent manager husband PK had two children, Jagger and Phoenix, who were being raised under the watchful eye of 16 babysitters. Between trying on leather jackets, watching paint dry, and taking selfies she had little time for anything else in her life.

At dinner that night Kyle warmed up to Dorit. She loved the way she lined her lips with pencil and the way she tried to mirror Madonna’s dialect. She thought it was sweet the way she pretended to be in love with her much older husband who wore jewelry and how she needs you to know that celebrities always surrounded her. Did she not understand that Kyle’s mother took her daughter to Studio 54 when she was 10 or that she once had to sit beside Michael Jackson’s monkey at her sister’s holiday party? Mauricio sat stone-faced beside his wife. He kept thinking about the properties he had to sell and how he hated having to spend any time with the Vanderpumps. “How many months is filming?” Mauricio asked her in the car that night. “I am going to lose it if I have to sit next to her dog.” 

JUST GALS

Eileen and Erika had become gal pals in the months after filming ended. “She may be surrounded by six makeup and hair stylists, a choreographer, and several back up dancers, but she’s really a girl’s girl,” Eileen explained as her chunky 90s highlights framed her face. Eileen encouraged Erika to trust in women friends, and Erika encouraged Eileen to stop wearing denim jumpsuits and carrying ugly bags. They spoke at lunch about the loss of Eileen’s mother during the reunion and how to move through grief when Kyle walked up to the table. She was feeling hopeful going into a new chapter of her life with a production company making a television show about her life in the 1970s. They all agreed it was best if they didn’t use the words bipolar, manipulative, or Lyme disease this season. No one ordered dessert.

LISA LISA

Lisa Vanderpump looked tired. Perhaps it was working long nights at SUR or her tireless campaign to save dogs from a foreign superpower, but she was dragging. She had some trepidation going into this season. How could she sit in a room with Lisa Rinna after she had thrown her under the bus in Dubai?  Lisa Rinna, however, had endured the death of her father, which put things into perspective. It was enough work trying to raise two teenage daughters in the slums of Beverly Hills. Her husband Harry Hamlin worried about her, so he bought her a brand new Tesla to deal with the pressure.

 

ERIKA

Erika explained to Tom over an intercom system that his eggs were made and ready. He shuffled down the hallway and into her arms. He explained to her that in celebration of her 45th birthday he had purchased her a one million dollar painting from an artist he collected. “Is this for you or for me?” she asked while pushing the long layers off her weave behind her. He handed her a manila envelope, which she believed were divorce papers that required a signature. It was instead a rendering of a panther ring worth thousands off dollars. It would not be his last surprise. Hours later at a birthday party she held for herself in her backyard with cage dancers in silver underpants and a security guard named Pussy Galore he would unveil her mother who had come to visit but had been held captive for the whole day in a bedroom. There was no budget for the party, because what is the point of a budget when you can sleep on piles of cash?

PARTY

At the Village People at Studio 54 inspired party this year’s cast gathered near the bar and food-less tables. Lisa Rinna and Eileen hid on patio sofas with her husband Tom. Eileen offered her the best gift you can get anyone who has a bottomless checking account and an obsession with looking at themselves… a walk on role for Young and The Restless. “I don’t want to let you down,” Erika squealed. “It doesn’t matter,” Eileen answered. “I am trying to negotiate my contract, so let’s do it now before I am out of a job.” 

Lisa Rinna who had slid her body into a sequin negligee looked away from Vanderpump at first. She wasn’t ready to address her and she was also embarrassed her upper lip was jutting out of her face. “Hello, Lisa,” she finally said. “I see you are wearing a wig,” Vanderpump noted, “I may tug it off?” Lisa Rinna laughed, but in the way one would do if they were afraid someone was going to punch them in the face. She remembered the way Michelle Obama always said to go high when others went low. She nodded at Vanderpump. Fine, you want this? I’ve got two teenagers who are probably smoking cigarettes in my bed right now. I need to sell 500 off the shoulder sweaters on QVC this weekend. My body waxer has no available appointments. I don’t need this.

Dorit looked on in horror. She had been at the party 30 minutes and already felt like she’d been emotionally battered. She invited Eileen to her birthday party, which upset Lisa Vanderpump. She made small talk in the middle off the dance floor with Lisa Rinna, which upset Lisa Vanderpump. “I make my own decisions,” she told Lisa Rinna. “But do you?” said Lisa Vanderpump.

Kyle and Mauricio stood beside Tom and noted they were in the process of purchasing a private jet. He looked at them and offered insight, though he was pretty sure they were full of shit. You can make that much money selling condos in West Hollywood?

Since production couldn’t get the okay to play any actual disco songs they were all forced to dance to Erika Jayne songs on repeat. Least interested was Lisa Vanderpump whose feet were now blistered from her platform heels. They want me to think I have aged out of this franchise, and they are wrong. She jumped on stage and twirled her half ponytail in the moonlight while Lisa Rinna iced her top lip in the sidelines.

NEXT WEEK:

Alliances are made.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Dorit, Lisa Vanderpump, recap

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