Real Housewives of New Jersey

Hormone: Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey Teresa took her daughters and her father on vacation to Puerto Rico, Margaret and Dolores met for dinner, and Siggy got hormone pellet therapy. 

HORMONE PELLET THERAPY

It had come to the attention of those that surrounded Siggy that an intervention was needed. “We have something to talk to you about,” they said before locking her into a padded room with only a fan and a potted plant. “We are doing this because we love you,” they said as she tried desperately to open the room’s only window. They noticed something was off-kilter when she ripped all of her framed photos off the wall. Once she threatened to burn down a deli if they didn’t get more provolone cheese it was clear they had no other choice.

“We need you to talk to someone about your hormone issues,” one of her relatives screamed from across the room while holding an unplugged electric beater in one hand and a wrench in the other. “Sure, I have been upset lately,” Siggy explained, “but nothing I can’t manage on my own.” “That would be wrong,” said a stern voice from behind a chair, “according to your blood work your levels are in the ground.” A doctor, a specialist in the area of hormone pellet therapy offered to give her a round of natural testosterone for free. (As long as she agreed to use it for a segment on an upcoming episode). She begrudgingly agreed until he notified her that it would change her libido. “For Michael Campanella I will do it!” she cried.

IMPLANTATION

A few days later she invited Dolores for the implantation ceremony. As she sat with two doctors with her backside face up she noted that her behavior was probably unsavory in the preceding months. Perhaps it was abnormal to want to stab someone for suggesting she cries too much? Was it necessary to order a voodoo doll for someone who bought a flower wreath and orchestrated a memorial when you were out getting smoothies? Yeah, it probably was. “I honor your honesty and will keep this information between you and me (and the camera crew),” said Dolores.

DINNER COMPANIONS

The next day over a three-course dinner Dolores denied Siggy’s cuckoo bird behavior was abnormal or off-putting to Margaret. “I saw nothing wrong with what she said or did,” said Dolores. She had learned on the streets of Patterson, New Jersey to always stand behind someone, even if they appear to be losing their mind. Margaret, who had invited Dolores looked at her in disbelief. She couldn’t call a spade a spade?

The dinner was thrilling, not just because we got to hear their exact dinner order (there was a crab cake appetizer and Dolores hates garlic), but because they both realized they shared an uncommon bond, neither drink alcohol and they both are freakishly close to their former husbands. “I told everyone how great I thought it was that you and Frank are in a never-ending remake of Bosom Buddies,” said Margaret. “After all, my ex-husband hangs out all the time. Didn’t you see him at my makeup bag collection launch party?”

LIBIDO

The next day Siggy, Michael Campanella, Frank, and Dolores went out for dinner. (Someone ordered a seafood platter and I believe Dolores got roasted potatoes). Dolores noted how much she enjoyed her meal with Margaret, which set Siggy into head spins. “She did cry about the fact two of her step-kids no longer speak to her,” explained Dolores. “So she is a HUMAN?!” yelled Siggy. Maybe they could move forward? Since Siggy and Michael Campanella were about to have tableside sex they decided to wrap up dinner.

Teresa took her daughters on a Puerto Rican vacation along with her father who was struggling with the death of his wife. Teresa lamented about the time she missed with her mother while living in a federal prison. “I know how it feels to miss your mother,” said Milania. She was the only child that was still interested in having a conversation with her mother. Gabriella, as always, pretended she was on vacation with another American family. “I have been too lenient,” she told her father. “They are spoiled!” he replied. She acknowledged Melissa and her brother were probably right, she was too afraid to discipline because she wanted her kids to still like her. “My kids have been through enough these last few years,” she told her sunburned father.

The next day she tried to take family photos, but none of the kids appreciated having to wear matching white outfits.

IN OTHER NEWS

Melissa and Joe realized Antonia deserved more freedom while shopping for jean shorts and jumping at a trampoline park.

Marge Sr. stole items from the B-52 band prop closet.

NEXT WEEK:

Siggy’s self-help retreat is a disaster.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap, Hormone Pellet Therapy, Margaret, Siggy

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