Real Housewives of Dallas

Halloween: Real Housewives of Dallas Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Dallas Stephanie threw a Halloween party, Kameron asked her daughter to translate a Mexican restaurant menu, and D’Andra put her stepson to work. 

HALLOWEEN

Halloween was Stephanie’s favorite holiday, and the only day of the year she wore lingerie. There was something about demonic plastic babies and werewolf’s hanging out of trees that put her in the mood. It was how she conceived two sons, after a night of drinking sludge out of a caldron while dressed up like a sexy stewardess.

She was still angry with Travis for buying a million dollar money pit without her consent. “Great,” she said, “now we are the proud owners of an 80s marble bath in the center of our living room. Are you happy?” The thing was Travis was happy. “I will show him,” she muttered as she wrote a $15,000 check to a party planner. “You know how I will get him back,” she explained of her cash spending husband, “I will spend part of his trust fund on a party that will result in him having sex. Whose winning now, sucker?”

CARY AND MARK

Cary  decided in the last few months that she had grown tired of standing beside Mark at the face factory watching him tuck and clip loose skin. She would rather enjoy spending time with her daughter in the kitchen making poorly baked cookies or tasteless meatballs. Mark would walk through the door and complain he did not have a glass of Chablis waiting for him on the marble countertop. “He’s just angry,” she explained as her eyes rolled back into her head, “because I don’t want to spend every moment of my day stapled to his arm.” She carried the same disinterest in their promotional videos, which featured them arguing about the proper way to inject Botox.

SPANISH LESSONS

Kameron and Court tested Hilton’s progression in her supplementary Spanish emersion courses in their playroom by having her order food off the menu at a Mexican restaurant.

Hilton: “Mis padres molestos quieren algunos burritos.” (My annoying parents want some burritos).

Waitress: “¿Quieren un poco de alcohol también?” (Do they want some alcohol too?)

Hilton: “¿El cielo es azul?” (Is the sky blue?)

Kameron reminded Court she would like his investment in her pink dog food business. He lovingly suggested she find another investment because her idea was garbage.

EBAY

D’Andra hired her stepson to help her sell her old clothes on eBay. It was not necessarily a job he wanted, guesstimating how much money she blew on designer dresses, but it was better than having him stare at a blank wall in their house. College was not for him, and neither was taking pictures of sequin blouses for resale. His days as her apparel assistant were numbered.

RIFT

Brandi and Stephanie finally spoke about their four-month rift, promising to move forward. So much they had missed in one another’s lives in that time, including valuable pool time at their joint lake house. Though Brandi had used Leeanne as a placeholder during those months Stephanie’s nemesis had hoped their reconnection would not result in her being pushed into a sewer drain.

PARTY DISASTER

Though Stephanie loathed Leeanne she still invited her to the Halloween party she held at her house. The theme was bad romance but several people didn’t read the instructions on the email invitation. Cary wore a costume from the musical Cats, which displayed her nipples and labia. Kameron wore a Disney theme park princess costume. Leeanne came dressed like a schizophrenic. “Look, I am two-faced like Stephanie,” she explained to the guest. No one had any idea what she was talking about. “It’s a bad idea,” her therapist had said the previous week during their televised session.

“All these women do is discuss dramatic situations,” said D’Andra dressed as Monica Lewinsky from a pillar in the middle of the foyer. Yeah, that’s the point of the show, D’Andra. Kameron nodded, still in disbelief that Brandi had suggested moments earlier that if they were contestants in a Lady Pageant she would be without any talent. Kameron noted Brandi’s talent would be dancing at a strip joint, which is an enviable talent after you have given birth to two children and begin to experience bone density loss.

Mark was the only person who understood Leanne’s costume, and only because he recognized the dangling diamond-ish bracelet on her left arm. “Of course Mark would get it,” said Leeanne, “since he appreciates accessories.” Ten minutes later Travis figured out Leeanne was dressed like a lunatic not because she couldn’t decide on a costume, but because she was imitating his wife. “Should I kick her out?” he asked Stephanie. “No, just ignore her,” she replied.

“Did someone say ignore?” said Tiffany from season one.

NEXT WEEK:

Brandi only invites Cary and Stephanie to visit her family in Tennessee.

Real Housewives of Dallas, Recap, Stephanie, Leeanne, Cary, Brandi

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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