Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Georgia: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Erika visited her mother in Georgia and Kyle got a lap dance. 

THE FAT JEWISH

Kyle and Mauricio never let an opportunity for promotion slip through their hands. What good is a day if you can’t wear Agency brand workout clothes? Why would you want to meet friends for dinner at a restaurant? Instead have them attend a shopping party at your boutique! Invite them to your house to see a presentation on vacation homes in Mexico or the new trends in resort wear. Being friends with Kyle and Mauricio was like having a friend who sells Partylite Candles or Tupperware, but with a much bigger price tag.

“You are invited to a cocktail party at my clothing store. I’ve hired The Fat Jewish,” said Kyle in phone calls to all the cast members. “You must know his work on Instagram or from the episode of Real Housewives of New York when Carole had a dog wedding.” 

At the party Kyle had The Fat Jewish call Lisa Rinna who had claimed she was suffering from the stomach flu despite photographic evidence she had just shopped for shoes at Saks. “Well that was fun,” said Lisa of the phone interrogation in between barfings. The others arrived in spurts. Dorit nearly lost a toenail after tumbling out of her car, but managed to keep her breasts in tact. “Where are your bangs?” asked Kyle. She had thrown them in a trashcan after a lunch they had earlier that day. “It didn’t suit my suit,” she explained. “I love your hair… NOW,” said Kyle clutching the bottom of her suit jacket. “May I interest you in an overpriced jumpsuit or pair of sunglasses?”

WHO IS FAT?

PK sat in a corner with his eyes pointed at the floor. “Why so sad, PK?” asked Lisa Vanderpump. “For starters,” he explained, “Kyle hired this guy and not Boy George, and also your husband keeps calling me fat.” Lisa would have comforted him, but The Fat Jewish giving Kyle a lazy lap dance on a couch beside the shoe collection distracted her. “Only one Jewish man can give this woman a lap dance, and that is me,” said Mauricio as he pointed his index fingers at his The Agency hat.

HAIR

“I like your hair,” said Erika Jayne to Dorit who noted it was the first time Erika had ever paid her a compliment. She had been keeping a tally book of compliments, but Erika’s page was empty. Erika reminded her there was at least two other times while sucking wine out of a straw. She had remembered because it took everything in her to do so. How do you compliment someone you loathe? It was sometimes hard for Dorit to understand other people. “I guess I just expect people to understand my British humor,” said Dorit. Everyone was confused since she’s actually from Connecticut.

TRIP PLANNING

Lisa told Erika she would be visiting Hong Kong as part of her international dog rescue duties. “Would you like to come and if so can we use your private jet?” asked Lisa. Erika had to explain to her that the jet was used for more important matters like visiting her mother’s upcoming art show in Georgia, performing in Greek Gay Bonanzas, and for picking up hair extensions from a boutique in Norway. Lisa grew rattled when Erika invited the others including Eileen with whom she hated and Eden who thus far seemed useless to the show.

LUNCH

The next day Lisa, Kyle, Erika, and Dorit enjoyed lunch in Lisa’s backyard to discuss the upcoming trip and to promote a new line of rose she had Pandora and Jason selling at grocery stores across the country. “I had not expected everyone to come,” said Lisa forgetting it was part of her Bravo contract to take a group vacation and in turn the network’s obligation to showcase her charity. Dorit whispered to Kyle, “didn’t she read page 13 of the contract?” 

Dorit had embraced Erika at the front door hoping it would express to Erika how badly she wanted her friendship. “You can let go now,” said Erika under her breath. Mid-lunch Dorit noted she would never want to share her innermost feeling with Lisa Rinna. Erika inquired why she would share with anyone (besides PK) her innermost feelings? “Why would you trust anyone?” Erika asked but with dead eyes and a pink min braid running down the middle of her head. “You see, Erika, that’s what is so strange. Don’t you like to share your feelings with your girlfriends?” Erika did not wait a moment to reply. “No, I don’t, I just need Tom and my beauty team.” Besides she and Dorit were different animals, they didn’t have to get along just because they were contractually obligated to be friends on TV for five months of the year.

FINE, YOU CAN COME TOO

Lisa Vanderpump threw in the towel and also invited Lisa Rinna. “I think I am finally ready to move on,” Vanderpump told her while standing in what would become the Vanderpump Dog store and salon. “Great, because I’ve moved on too,” Rinna replied.

GEORGIA

It had come to Erika’s attention last season that most people considered her stiff, robotic, and perhaps someone missing a sensitivity chip. To dispel this she flew alongside two makeup artists to Conyers, Georgia to visit her mother and her fiancée in the home her grandparents once owned. “There are so many memories here,” Erika noted, quickly pushing old photos into corners while the cameramen were not filming. She reflected on a childhood spent in the Georgia woods, time spent working shifts to pay for her leg warmers. Her mother, never one to coddle her, reminded her often that if she wanted something she would need to figure out a way to get it on her own. So in the moments when her mother failed her she clung to her grandparents whom she loved dearly.

The next day she cried beside her grandparents graves located on a trail recently used in a 48 Hours Mystery episode. She was overwhelmed with gratitude for the way they helped raise her and for her mother for finally acknowledging after 40 plus years that she had done a non-spectacular job raising her. Luckily they had grown close bonded by DNA and a love of the arts. Perhaps she wasn’t a cold-hearted pop singer as Dorit had suggested?

In other news Kim’s daughter finally had her baby, a boy born into a hospital room crowded by Hilton and Richards family members. “My other kids stood at the bottom of the bed looking at the baby crowning with disgust, it was the most magical night of my life.” explained Kim. The baby, it must be said, was adorable.

NEXT WEEK: Hong Kong 

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Georgia

Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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