How Do You Explain The Bachelorette To a Man?
Now the latest installment of How Do You Explain This Show To A Normal Person?
This is how a woman explains ABC’s The Bachelorette to her boyfriend or husband.
Guy: What are we watching?
Girl: The Bachelorette. This is Andi. She is a 26 years old Assistant District Attorney in Georgia. She’s about to meet 25 guys from around the country. Over the course of the show she will systematically reduce the number to one by giving them red roses based on physical and emotional challenges.
Guy: What do they win?
Girl: A free ring from Harry Winston, the cover of US Weekly, and ultimately his own spin-off show when they break up weeks after the A Final Rose ceremony.
Guy: Wait. These dudes want to marry her?
Girl: Yes, they all gave up their jobs for a chance to meet her.
Guy: And she’s an attorney who gave up her job to be on a TV show?
Girl: Yes. She gave it up once before when she was an almost finalist on The Bachelor.
Guy: She was on this show before?
Girl: Yes, last year but it didn’t work out because the guy couldn’t speak English, was an unemployed soccer player, and slept with half the girls. Don’t you get it? She risked a career to find true love.
Guy: She is 26. She probably graduated from law school at 24. Last year she was on the show. So basically she worked for one year and gave it up to be on TV?
Girl: Being an attorney was her old dream. Her new dream is to wear prom dresses and have men fawn over her. At some point in the show she will get a one-on-one date and a famous singer will serenade them.
Guy: You mean all the dates aren’t one-on-one? You share dates?
Girl: Most of the dates are group dates. You go somewhere fun like ballroom dancing or clown school. That way you can really see if the guy is there for the right reasons.
The Drop Off
Girl: This is how she meets them. They get dropped off in the driveway in a limo.
Guy: This is like a prom with 30 year olds. Did he just say his name is anal?
Girl: No, it is Emil. Like Anal, but with an M. He must struggle for people to understand him. Poor guy.
Guy: Who are these guys? Don’t they have jobs?
Girl: They are all very hot guys with different kinds of jobs. Like, this guy is in software sales.
Guy: That means he works at The Apple Store.
Girl: This guy is an accountant and this one is a basketball coach.
Guy: Well, that guy only works three months a year. Of course he can take time off.
Girl: This guy is a trainer.
Guy: He’s on steroids.
Girl: Where else are you going to meet an Opera singer?
Guy: You do understand most of these guys are not straight, right?
Girl: Yes, they are. Look, this guy makes pants for a living. How sweet! He made her pants!
Guy: When was the last time I made you pants? Let me guess. He went to fashion school?
Girl: And this guy is great. He made her cookies!
Guy: Except she’s going to complain later that he is trying to make her fat.
Meet and Greet
Girl: These guys are bonding because they are both fancy. Andrew and Patrick wear nice suits and both enjoy car racing.
Guy: And by being on the “same level” he means they both drink chardonnay and belong to the sailing club?
Girl: I think she likes Tasos. Strong introduction, he likes to travel, he…
Guy: Has gray teeth?
Girl: She’s going to chose this guy. I am calling it. He’s totally her type. He lives in Atlanta. His mom loves her.
Guy: He is a stalker.
Old Habits Die Hard
Girl: WAIT. Chris is back? She can’t give him a chance! He doesn’t deserve it.
Guy: Hold on. The security guard wants to date her too?
Girl: NO! The guy in the suit?
Guy: I thought he was the host?
Girl: No! That is Chris Harrison. DO YOU LISTEN?
Guy: I am going to bed. I can’t.
Door slams. She turns up the volume.
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