Real Housewives of Orange County

Drag: Real Housewives of OC Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Orange County they all go to a drag show, Shannon records a conversation with Kelly, and Vicki discusses buying a boat. 

RECORD

While Meghan and Kelly shopped for baby cribs they assessed their body recovery after St. Patrick’s Day. Kelly had been dragging after pouring a bottle of liquor down her throat. Meghan felt fine since she had pumped out all of the whiskey all night long. “Aspen doesn’t have a crib because we do what is co-sleeping,” explained Meghan to a viewing audience mostly made of women who have also given birth to a child (some even more than one). The only memory Kelly had of that night was of Shannon using the app on her phone to record their conversations. Lady Beador had become the Linda Tripp of Orange County. Kelly noted she would bring it up to Shannon, but only when she was able to do so in person. Meghan co-signed.

Editorial Note:  Linda Tripp was a U.S. civil servant who figured in the Monica Lewinsky scandal of 1995–1996.Tripp secretly recorded Lewinsky’s confidential phone calls about her relationship with the President. 

WHOOPS

Meghan went to lunch in Laguna Beach with Vicki and tried desperately to understand why Vicki considered herself a victim. “I have already said too much,” said Vicki after insisting Shannon was the victim of abuse and that she had proof of it. She also felt somewhat bad about telling Kelly that Eddie was the kind of husband who was at home on a Gay Pride float. “Oh, yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have done that,” said Vicki. She asked Meghan not to say anything to Shannon.

BULL

Meghan, sensing this season was already incredibly boring and no longer worth the 55 minute commitment, violated both Kelly and Vicki’s requests by calling Tamra and Shannon immediately to discuss. “You have got to be shitting me,” screamed Shannon into her phone while two women filed through Halloween costumes to find them 80s rocker outfits.

  • Shannon couldn’t record anyone’s conversation because she could barely operate the volume on her iPhone. For months she thought David was seeing someone named Siri before she realized it was just an intelligent personal assistant, part of Apple Inc.’s iOS, watchOS, macOS, and tvOS operating systems.
  • How can anyone trust Vicki when she fabricates storylines as a way to receive sympathy and baked dishes?

BOAT

Vicki always wanted a boat, and thought perhaps marrying someone with whom she shared no physical chemistry was her way to it. Although she complained about former husbands sucking her bank accounts dry she figured she and Steve would purchase a motorboat together, one they could take to the river where she also shared many romantic moments with Donn, and have minimal joy.

WHAT A DRAG

Shannon organized a night in Hollywood at a drag show to raise money for charity. She withheld details about the trip including how the others would need to dress up like men, and not just typical men, but hideous men. “I am uncomfortable with this,” said Lydia as a makeup artist fitted her with a wig. “You think I am happy with this?” asked Kelly while another makeup artist drew a mustache with lip liner. “The Bible says nothing about drag shows,” she added. She did have a point; nowhere in the New Testament did it mention how unhappy God would be with someone attending an event for charity hosted by a kind person who happens to be wearing a sequin top and lipstick. Things only got worse when Lydia was seated beside a psychic, the same guy who noted Vicki was making up the cancer story a few seasons ago. HOW MUCH MORE COULD LYDIA TAKE?

THE PSYCHIC

Scott the Psychic made it certain that Kelly and Vicki would not always enjoy moonlight walks around a park together. “She’s never said anything to upset me,” replied Kelly. “Just wait,” added Tamra with her blackened tooth glistening in the bar’s disco lights. They were momentarily distracted when Lydia won Bingo forcing Shannon to get flogged by the drag host. Luckily her Bret Michaels jeans and long flowing wig secured with a bandana protected her from too much pain. “I loved Bret Michaels in the 80s and 90s,” said Shannon, “and 2017 too,” she coughed.

Back to the psychic. He’d riled everyone up. Lydia fled to the bathroom to say a prayer and Kelly called Meghan a shit stirrer. It was Kelly’s assertion that Meghan should have limited time to stir shit with a baby at home. Meghan, who had just unloaded the milk in her breasts tried to withhold her tears. “Not fair,” Tamra cried as her mullet wig began to fall to the side. “You don’t go there, Kelly,” said Shannon, her stonewashed jean jacket covered in sweat.

Meghan removed her Chips mustache and collected her things backstage. She removed her wig and baseball hat and acknowledged the hormones from breastfeeding and postnatal contractions had gotten the best of her. She drove off in a Chevy Suburban.

Lydia stood with Kelly in the wings. Shannon pumped a fist into the air. Tamra chewed on the cigarette that had been dangling in her mouth.

NEXT WEEK:

Gretchen and Lizzie hope to get screen time.

Real Housewives of Orange County, Drag, Tamra, Shannon, Kelly, Meghan, Vicki

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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