Letter To Rob Kardashian About Blac Chyna
A LETTER TO ROB KARDASHIAN
It is with a heavy heart I text messaged all of my friends to report the greatest love story of our time has ended. I think I can speak for all Americans when I say we thought you and Blac Chyna would at least make it a couple more weeks. I know you did not anticipate someone hacking into her direct messages tonight to reveal she was using you, but with time you will see that it was probably best.
LOVE ON THE ROCKS
I believe it was Neil Diamond that once said, “Love on the rocks, ain’t no big surprise.” All of us on Planet Earth could have seen this was coming. You were a man living in seclusion and she was an opportunist with a name that made no sense. Together you lived in a house decorated with black leather and with a pantry stocked with processed food. The only thing that held you together was a child in utero then born with the name of a style of mattress. What more did you have in common besides an appreciation for sweatpants and comfortable footwear?
You have a bright future ahead of you with your sock business and trust fund. You don’t need to post videos with a woman who makes you miserable rolling in dollar bills. What message does that send to the Department of Treasury?
Here’s my advice, stop gloating. Only a woman with a dead heart would vacuum an entire home before vacating it. Don’t mourn for the half empty jar of mayonnaise that was in your fridge. Put on some jazzercise shoes and a headband and walk out the front door. Tomorrow is a new day.
KEEP IN MIND
What you avoided by not marrying Blac Chyna:
- Several rounds of edits of your wedding invitation because no one can properly spell Blac Chyna.
- Having to share a home with someone who secretly hates you.
- More space for your collection of hats and black t-shirts.
- You actually get invited to family parties.
- Not getting stabbed in the middle of the night with one of her talons.
- Never having a mother-in-law named Tokyo Toni.
So go forth, Robert. Let me know if you want me to write your online dating profile.