Dear Rachel : You Don’t Have To Get Engaged
I know we’ve never met, but as someone who has invested 12.75 hours of my life thus far into your quest to find a spouse, I feel it necessarily to offer you some guidance.
Here’s what you need to know. You don’t actually have to get engaged on national television.
YOU CAN GET OUT NOW
While I have not personally read through The Bachelorette contract, I can’t imagine there is a clause requiring you to formally agree to marry a near stranger. You can walk away from this all-expense paid romance journey with great memories, and that should be enough. Think of it like the showcase showdown on The Price Is Right; sure, it would be great to have a new dining room set, but do you actually like the chairs? No one uses chain cabinets anymore! Just thank everyone for the free clothes and call it a day.
REALLY? THESE GUYS?
I know you may have spent hours subjected to water board-style torture by Bachelorette producers urging you to find the possibility of lasting love with a pool of candidates they have chosen for you, but I don’t think your future husband is one of them. Do you really want a man who quit his corporate job with a good salary and health and retirement benefits because he harbors a dream of one day hosting a travel show? Some of them peg their pants. At least two get their eyebrows waxed regularly. Is this really what you want for yourself?
I get it. You had just spent time with Dean’s father in Aspen. You left that hometown date wondering why anyone would marry someone whose father dresses up like a wizard. This is why you embraced the possibility of marrying Eric, a 29 year-old personal trainer who has admitted he’s never been in love. How is that possible? Peter seems like a lovely guy, but he gets as excited about the prospect of marrying you as I do going to get a pap smear. If he’s this jazzed about the relationship now, what happens when you have to share an apartment and pay bills?
NO, NOT BRYAN
It’s clear to me that Bryan is probably the winner. For some reason you have looked past the fact he is a 37-year-old man with his umbilical cord still attached to his mother and imagined a future. Somehow after weeks of helicopter and Bentley rides, expensive watch shopping, and candlelight meals in castles you will remain deliriously happy when he expresses his interest in being on Dancing With The Stars or having his mother live in your spare bedroom 50 weeks of the year.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS
You don’t have to do this. We will all accept it if you stand at the podium at the end of this and say that despite meeting twenty-five very special men you just didn’t find one you want to legally marry. It would be easy to accept a borrowed ring and pose for pictures on the cover of various magazines, but in the end you want someone you can see yourself with forever. You can explain that you don’t always want to wake up with unreasonably long eyelash extensions. You don’t actually like wearing prom dresses all the time and when you travel you aren’t always up for an adventure. Most of all you hate red roses.
I believe in you, Rachel.
You don’t have to get engaged on this show. You will be fine.
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