Dear Megan: Life Advice From My Sister
My sister Megan was four when I was born. Relatives have said she was happy to be an older sister, but I remember it differently. I recall our relationship as more like a prison guard and an inmate. She regaled in mentally torturing me. “I wonder when mom will tell you that you were adopted,” she would whisper before we went to bed at night. “It must be hard for you having such ugly hair,” she’d say before we walked out the door for school. If you had driven by our bus stop in the morning you would have seen her forcing me to do step aerobic sprints on the curb. During kickball games in our cul-de-sac she would purposely kick the ball past me, forcing me to fetch the ball in incoming traffic.
I am not saying she was a tyrant, I am just saying she was a tyrant.
Other people, however, find her surprisingly enjoyable. They somehow appreciate her blunt advice. Perhaps they don’t mind feeling like someone karate kicked them in their throat?
I asked my sister to provide some life guidance to these three readers. Here are her answers.
Question #1: Dear Megan, What is the best way to fix a broken heart?
Have your friends plan a trip to Miami. I have friends who can plan your itinerary. Trust me, they can help you. If you don’t want to travel, immediately set up an online dating account. Basically make out with someone else. Second option is having a spa day, but nothing will fulfill you like making out with someone else.
Question #2: Dear Megan, My one friend and I have totally different political opinions. How do I avoid getting into an argument with her?
Avoid those topics like the plague. When you go to dinner with them bring with you a list of topics that don’t involve politics.
1 Have you ever been to Amish country?
2 When was the last time you listened to Lionel Richie?
3 What would you eat for your last meal before electrocution?
Otherwise limit socializing with them to once every two years.
Question #3: Dear Megan, My friend keeps making me ugly jewelry for my birthday and Christmas. I think she expects me to wear it. What do I do?
I would definitely classify this with things you re-gift to your husband’s secretary. This is an ideal re-gift, much like candles and home tchotchkes you would find at a TJ Maxx, and typically in colors that don’t even match your home décor. For example, one friend gave me a red and white take out menu case. First of all, if I had any takeout menus in my home, why would I want to display them? I don’t live in a frat house. Also, nothing in my home is red. The same person one Christmas bought me a porcelain statute of two angels embracing. “It’s like me as your older sister looking over you,” she said. It looked like two WNBA players who suddenly realized they want to be life partners. Obviously I sent it to my sister.
You could also just give them hints. Send them links to items you would actually like to own with a note emphasizing how overjoyed you would be to get a kind of gift just like this. “Wouldn’t this make a great gift?”
I would also say you should just avoid opening the gift in front of them. Tell them you will open it when all the guests leave your house or you have scissors that can properly open the box. If they refuse to leave your side put on your game face.
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