Dear Kate: Snooki Asks Me for Pregnancy Advice

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Dear Kate,
I have been throwing up a lot lately. I thought it was because I was drinking that Chinese vodka someone sent me in the mail. Then I remembered that I always forget to take my birth control (no one told me you have to take it every day), and I hate condoms because I think they smell like plastic. I have tried to take a pregnancy test, but I might be peeing on the wrong side. Does one line mean I am having a boy?
Any tips for me?
Dear Snooki,
I am often baffled at how hard it is for some women to get pregnant and seemingly easy it is for others. My acupuncturist says it is stress that causes most women difficulty, which could explain why it is so easy for crack heads and 16 year olds. I guess you don’t have much to stress about either, besides contracting a sexually transmitted disease or lacking a formal education. That being said…congratulations on your maybe pregnancy.
Couple things to note as you possibly prepare to be responsible for another human being:
1. You will now be unable to drink for the foreseeable future. This does not mean you can have a shot once a week or a margarita on days when it rains.
2. Limit your intake of Doritos, Funions, and beef jerky. Studies have proven that eating a poor diet while pregnant can increase your child’s risk of cancer and other diseases. If it is helpful, think about drinking more Bloody Marys, but without any vodka.
3. Studies also prove exercise during pregnancy helps the body prepare for labor, reduces your chances of getting pre-eclampsia, and will help you sleep better. Unfortunately cage dancing at a club does not really qualify as exercise.
4. Try to wear underwear. No one wants to see a preview of your labor and delivery.
Best wishes to you.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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