Will Jon Bon Jovi Help Me Deliver My Baby?
Dear Jon Bon Jovi,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to wish you a happy summer and to ask if you could be my labor coach in August when I give birth to my 5th child.
I know you are probably inundated with invitations this summer. I am sure you will probably announce some tour dates. The democratic party might need you at a fundraiser in Monmouth County. Someone in Saudi Arabia is asking you to sing at their daughter’s 12th birthday party. But can any of those events afford you the opportunity to help pull a baby out of a woman’s vagina?
I know how much you value charity, pouring your time and donations into good causes. The Jon Bon Jovi Soul Foundation focuses efforts on the issues surrounding homelessness in the United States. Have you ever seen a woman in labor? I will look homeless and will be starving because they only give you ice chips and sugar free popsicles.
I could really use your support.
The first time I gave birth my husband was taking selfies in the background.
By our third child he napped almost the entire duration of my labor. He will be happy to stand next to me as long as he doesn’t have to witness blood or fluid, which for obvious reasons I can’t really guarantee.
Contractions could be a lot easier if I had someone whispering the lyrics to “Livin’ on a Prayer” in my ear. Who would notice a doctor breaking your water with a long metal rod when you are too busy singing “Lay Your Hands on Me?” The epidural needle in my spine would feel a lot better if it was injected while you held my hand and we sang “I’ll Be There For You” in unison. You need me to launch the baby out of my womb? Okay. Let’s power through an acapella version of “Bad Medicine”. When everyone is busy weighing the baby and mopping up the placenta you could hold my head in your hands, wipe the sweat off my forehead, and jam through “It’s My Life.” Then when they wheel me out of the hospital and into the valet the next day a choir could stand behind me singing “Who Says You Can’t Go Home.”
So what do you say? Will you be my labor coach?
I could repay you by naming my daughter Johanna Bon Joviana.
Thank you in advance.
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