Real Housewives of New Jersey

Danielle: Real Housewives of NJ Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey tensions rose between Teresa and Melissa, Siggy threw a cocktail party and shamed Melissa, and Danielle revealed a secret that could potentially destroy Teresa’s friendship with Dolores.

SINGLE MOTHER

Teresa was a single mother. Although she had moved her recently widowed father into her home, she was still solely responsible for her four children. Joe called home and emailed daily, but it was Teresa who fed them breakfast, drove them to school and dance class, and moderately supervised their Instagram accounts. She was happy to have her father at home, the two bonded by the absence of their spouses, but she was beginning to feel the effects of being the sole breadwinner and caretaker. Melissa called her a softie, unable to wrangle her children. Sure, kids, you want to blow off jazz class? Fine. You guys want to do headpins on the newly waxed floor? Do as you want. But could Melissa withstand a few days without Joe? How could she understand?

HOW DARE MELISSA?

They had pretended for months they enjoyed one another. “Look, we’re sisters again!” they would chant as someone took their photo on a red carpet. “Don’t know what I would do without her?!” they would say through gritted teeth. But when the doors to Melissa’s basement music studio closed she would scream at the wall. When Teresa was alone in her black marble bathroom she would burn photos of Melissa with her flat iron. “You’s don’ts says nothing to me’s about my kids,” Teresa tried to explain to a confused producer.

NOT TOO THRILLED

Things only got worse when Melissa met up with Joe and Teresa at the delicatessen he purchased without her knowledge. (Joe Gorga thought buying a pre-existing restaurant was a smart financial move). It was bad enough he told his own sister about the financial transaction before his wife, but they also expected her to serve plates of antipasto. “I am a busy person,” Melissa said, “I can’t pass around plates of salami and meatballs. I run a clothing boutique, which specializes in jumpsuits and pleather pants. This is why I was late to this meeting, I have places to be and people to pose in pictures alongside.” Joe would look at his sister in the same way they did as kids. “How do we lose this dead weight?” Teresa would say with her eyeballs. “I know you,” Teresa groaned, “You will show up on a Friday or Saturday and make sure people get your photo taken. Will you be there when someone needs to fill up the salt and pepper shakers?” asked Teresa. “No, I won’t,” replied Melissa, “which is why I would not have signed off on this potential money pit in the first place!’

How do you explain to your sister-in-law who just spent one year in a federal prison for mail, wire and bankruptcy fraud that you don’t want to go into business? This sounds like a great idea, but you are not exactly someone I can count on to follow tax law. I’d love to collaborate, but I would like to keep a clean record. This would be a lot more enjoyable of an experience if I didn’t worry I would at some point also go to jail.

ENOUGH SIGGY

Joshua had grown tired of his mother’s prying. He didn’t want to discuss his girlfriend, whether or not he lost virginity, or even if he had plans to apply to college. Siggy would stand by the sink and weep as the casserole dish went unwashed. She would weep again later while discussing it with Dolores. “He doesn’t want me,” said Siggy. “Everything I do annoys him.” Joshua wasn’t the only one she annoyed. Margaret, the newest housewife, could barely stand her either. “Why is she always crying?” she asked.

MARGARET

In the meantime Margaret and her husband began to develop a friendship with the Gorgas. They played pool in the Gorga’s wood paneled game room and Joe asked Margaret about the end mark of a woman’s menstrual cycle. “Why menopause?” he asked a woman with sweat beads rolling down her forehead. Margaret had to explain to Joe a woman’s natural decline in reproductive hormones and also how her marital life was not in fact like a porno. “So when you met him you weren’t in some lingerie asking him to fix your pipes?” asked Joe. “No, I was in a tank top without a bra,” said Margaret, “and I could barely see anything without my contacts.”

MARGE

Margaret’s mother, on the other hand, was a vixen. “Sex is important,” Marge Sr. would openly discuss during their cosmetic bag company meetings in Margaret’s dining room. She raised Margaret to understand the value of a good heel and lip-gloss. They didn’t always have money, but they had good dance moves and bangs. The experience of being raised by someone whose emotional age matched your own taught Margaret the important of having your own money and dreams.

BAGS AND BAUBLES

Once a year Siggy invited guests to her home with the premise they would be enjoying a glass of wine, but were in fact being coerced into buying someone’s homemade jewelry and handbags. “You shouldn’t feel pressured to buy anything,” she would explain before asking friends to hand over their credit cards. Before Melissa could purchase a Celine knock-off Siggy reminded her that she was still upset about Boca. “I would never pick up a cake and throw it across the floor,” said Siggy. It was the 256th time she brought up the cake. Then she shut down the room and asked all of her paid guests if they would support someone who launched a pastry across a room. “If you think this is rude raise your hand!” she ordered the women. 40% raised their hands. (The others hid in a walk-in freezer). “I don’t know what prompted Siggy to do that,” said Dolores, “but there it is.”

DANIELLE AND SECRETS

After Teresa’s hair and makeup team filled in her eyebrows and lined her recently injected lips she joined Danielle Staub in an Uber. Danielle wondered if she had heard from Dolores. She repeated the question several times. “Again, have you heard from Dolores?” It wasn’t necessarily her nature to bring up potentially emotionally harmful comments made by one friend about another, but she enjoyed being on the show, so there’s that. “I don’t like to get in other people’s relationships, but she (Dolores) said something not nice about you to me. She said you are not concerned about anyone or anything but money, so be careful.”

Melissa advised Teresa of the developments once she arrived. Though she had humiliated Melissa on several occasions pre-jail she was not about to let a self-help expert outside the circle of family trust do it too. “Why would you do that?” she asked Siggy. “Why would you stay silent?” she asked Dolores. “Hang on a minute,” said Dolores, “I have a history of telling the truth.” Danielle, however, had a different perspective. “Remember when you said Teresa only cares about money?”

Dolores rose from the patio sofa. She pressed the wrinkles from her jean dress and rolled her eyes back into her head. “Welcome back, scumbag,” she screamed with her fingers pointed downwards. Danielle quietly winked back. It was showtime. “She is starving,” screamed Dolores. “She is crazy, sleep with one eye open.” Danielle, spotting Teresa making her way toward the foyer, began to let tears run down her face. “I have to go,” she told Melissa and Teresa and they all agreed to leave together.

Soggy Flicker didn’t give two shits that another woman was crying.

NEXT WEEK:

Teresa doesn’t discipline her kids. Melissa is only a Gorga by marriage. Soggy Flicker cries. Margaret gets annoyed.

Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recap, Danielle, Teresa

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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