Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Cry Baby: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Erika and Lisa Rinna met up with old friend Eileen, Kyle bought a new house, and Erika called Teddi a cry baby. 

EILEEN

Erika and Lisa Rinna met with Eileen Davidson for drinks at a Melrose Place inspired apartment complex in West Hollywood. With Eileen’s hectic shooting schedules at Days of Our Lives, Young and The Restless, Bold and the Bronzed, Guiding Lip Injections and Santa Monica Boulevard, she was unable to be part of the cast. She’d become friends with Erika Jayne, an elusive achievement in Beverly Hills and Pasadena circles. “I get the feeling she doesn’t like me,” typically says everyone who has ever met Erika. “It just feels like she is gutting me with her eyeballs,” they would inevitably add. Somehow Eileen was able to be included in Erika’s inner circle, which included her makeup and hair team, her lyricist, choreographer, and the person tasked with ordering her costumes. Eileen was surprised to hear Erika and Lisa Rinna were enjoying pleasant relationships with the other women own the cast, but that was soon to change.

NEW HOUSE

Kyle and Mauricio decided to purchase a palatial estate in the Valley based on the home’s foyer flooring and Porsha’s desire to avoid cleaning her room.

CALLUSES

Teddi needed a pedicure after 13 days of grueling stair stepping and squat workouts. As she had her calluses hacked off she enjoyed a relaxing conversation with Lisa Rinna about Dorit’s never ending shit talking. “I am feeling anxious to have this conversation, but there is something I heard in regards to you that I would like to share,” Teddi explained. She then highlighted the various times over the last three months Dorit and PK have noted Lisa Rinna is essentially crazy. It was a mystery to Rinna since she shared one sushi roll two nights before at a Los Angeles restaurant. “It’s not a big deal for me,” assured Lisa. “PK called you schizophrenic,” said Teddi. “Oh, they have called me worse,” replied Rinna. Then they both selected gel colors.

BOOK COVER

Erika took her book cover photo in a mesh thong and leather gloves emblazoned with word powerful.

SWIM SUITS

Dorit was forced to walk a set of stairs in her blue power suit, which left her momentarily unable to breath. It was no secret she would be unable to last through one of Teddi’s bootcamp sessions. PK escorted her to a meeting with the actual designers of her forthcoming resort line, which had yet to be formally named. (They toyed with several options until they realized someone already owned the trademark). The women laughed when prodded and avoided eye contact. “When she gets here pretend you value her input,” said an email early that morning. As it was explained the bulk of the line’s investment would be from Boy George, an 80s performer known for his love of scarfs.

NEW FRIENDS

As Dorit sipped from one of Erika’s crystal champagne glasses and glared at the tray of food she would never eat she explained to the woman she worshipped that Teddi and Lisa Vanderpump had grown close. “Is that because they both ride a horse?” asked Erika. Erika understood the process. Once someone joins the cast they inevitably become one of Lisa Vanderpump’s lackeys. Dorit had spent her first year with her lips surgically attached to Lisa’s saddle, and now it was John Mellencamp’s daughter’s turn. Little did she know Teddi was on the other side of town at Lisa’s restaurant explaining her desire to have a private conversation (with cameras in tow) with Dorit about her abhorrent behavior.

DINNER DISASTER

Later that week at a restaurant aptly named Church Key the women gathered to drink low calorie cocktails and eat lettuce rolls. Dorit could not walk fast enough through the door despite her gold disco bell-bottoms taunting her ankles. She had shared car service with an accountability coach who wanted her to acknowledge the way she and her husband talked non-stop about Lisa Rinna’s mental state. For Dorit between this and the ball gag Camille gifted her the previous week, it was more than she could take. It was not worth the hours of hair and makeup for this scolding.

Teddi calmly noted the various statements Dorit had made. She had, for example, said Lisa Rinna was full of rage and regret which archival footage backed up. “Teddi, let me help you with your issues,” said the woman with a fake English accent trying desperately to portray herself as the wife of a billionaire.

They all reflected on the time Dorit had said Lisa Vanderpump was an emotionally needy woman due to a childhood marred by abandonment. They all had collectively noted it would have also hurt their feelings if the same had been said about them, everyone that is except for Erika. Teddi wondered if it was convenient amnesia. “Don’t you ever do that to me,” growled Erika. The intimation that she was unable to speak the truth because she didn’t have the lady balls infuriated the woman who would later dress up for a confessional interview as Queen Elizabeth I. Lisa Vanderpump suggested it was time they all leave the dinner table.

CRY BABY

Teddi, a first year housewife, quietly wept as she left the restaurant. Erika referred to her as a cry baby, in the way a prison guard disregards an inmates feelings before they are electrocuted. She had no desire to speak to anyone else, much less Dorit who informed she had no right to be upset. “I’m the one that’s upset with you, you’re not allowed to be upset! Lisa Vanderpump calmly suggested it was perhaps possible Erika has no recollection of the events that took place while totally sober weeks before. “Then why is she so upset?” wondered the only reasonable person on this show.

NEXT WEEK:

Everyone loves Lois Rinna.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Recap, Cry Baby, Lisa, Dorit, Teddi

 

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