Crotch Gate: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap
This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Dorit questioned whether Erika’s crotch reveal was intentional, while Lisa Rinna sold her clothes on QVC.
Dorit was still upset about Erika’s crotch. She and PK had gone out for drinks so they could enjoy white wine spritzers while wearing clothes normally worn in a Mormon temple, not to have a beautiful woman’s vagina airing out right in their eye line. For the other women having someone go without undergarments was no big deal, who hasn’t wanted some air conditioning for their lady pocket? “But you guys,” she would say with her pseudo English accent, “maybe she wanted my husband to look at it?” Eileen and Lisa Rinna gripped each other’s hands. They encouraged Dorit to confront her, and hopefully in front of them in a public setting and with cameras filming. “I’d love to see this go down,” said Eileen.
Dorit thought about it. Perhaps if she wrapped up a pair of expensive underwear and placed it in a box Erika would understand why her husband was put in such an awkward position? How was he supposed to handle looking at another woman’s labia beneath a napkin?
Lisa Rinna flew to West Chester, Pennsylvania (my hometown) to the QVC headquarters to sell her duster sweaters to people unable to shop for tops at a mall or online. She would check into the Sheraton, Clorox wipe all the phones, light switches, and mini bar handles before a 24 hour today’s sale spree on live television. It was worth it to get little sleep while engaging in mindless banter with sweater models because it would give Harry Hamlin the opportunity to take the kind of parts that he really wanted. For many years he was forced to take parts he hated, like the voice of Perseus in the God of War II video game or Alex in the TV series Hot Properties so that they could pay the electric or Lisa’s body waxing bill. At least with this job she could one day call Harry Hamlin and let him know that he could start taking the roles he wanted, even though he was now old.
Erika was hopeful her Young and The Restless role wouldn’t put he show in such a shitter it got cancelled. “Whose Eileen’s friends with the unreasonably long hair?” her co-stars would ask. “Looks like we’re homeless now because she blew her lines.” Not that it mattered much, nailing her role, because she slept on piles of cash anyway. Still she was hopeful she could at least play a hooker or someone with split personalities. “You know she was named for Erika Cane,” Eileen told her show director. “Yeah, sure she was,” he would whisper, under his breathe.
Lisa Vanderpump kept Kyle busy by forcing her to sit at the bar at Villa Blanca and listen to her plans to eliminate a dog meat festival in China. Kyle nodded and smiled knowing Lisa gave two shits about the new show she created or how she might at some point be a spokesperson for a shampoo company. Sure, let’s pretend you are Secretary of State.
Later at the Escape Room (an adventure for you and your friends if you like to feel like you are trapped in a prison cell) Dorit presented Erika with the underwear box. She noted that Erika had a very “pretty puss” – perhaps the prettiest of all the vaginas because her husband couldn’t stop staring at it. Erika wondered not only why PK was staring up her dress, but also why Dorit had chosen to go blow to blow with the least insecure of the cast. If you were Guam would you want to threaten a world leader? “Thanks baby doll,” said Erika graciously accepting a gift one would normally purchase for someone they have sex with. Why wouldn’t her husband tell me he could see my crotch, Erika wondered?
After a fun afternoon of holding up mirrors against walls decorated with Egyptian writing they all had lunch. Lisa Rinna asked how Kim was doing, even though she not so securely hoped she was swallowed by a sinkhole somewhere in Florida. Kyle explained she was thrilled to be a grandmother. She loves babies, Kyle noted reminding herself of the time she got into an argument with her sister about how she thought she was pregnant while seemingly hopped up on pills. “I think these babies (sisters Kim and Kathy both had grandchildren on the way) will bring us together,” Kyle said.
IS THE END OF IT?
After appetizers Erika informed Vanderpump Dorit purchased her underwear. “Is this the end of it?” Vanderpump asked. “Listen, I don’t want Erika to feel terrible,” said Dorit. “I don’t,” said Erika with the confidence of someone who just let out gas after a long burrito dinner. “You know what I do feel bad about,” replied Erika, “why did he look at my crotch that long?” They all gasped. It was true, why did he look that long? “Maybe we can discuss this more just the two of us,” said Dorit. “I believe we just did,” said Erika with the delivery of a trial attorney.
The crotch talk had ended. Erika ordered another margarita.
Everyone hates Dorit.
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