The Concession Speech Every Candidate’s Wife Wants to Give
Oh, thank God. This is over, right? Like there is absolutely no way this is going to be a Florida voting fiasco, right? Like – we can call it a day, you read me?
I know this has been his dream. He wants to “save the world” and “protect the borders” and “ensure all kids have an education.” Wonderful. You know what I have always wanted? A slot on the Real Housewives franchise. I’d like to wake up one day and not have to shove my body into a pantsuit. Guess what, folks? This is a wig. I’m not even blonde. Can I tell you something else? I hate the color red. Also, what woman looks good in square heel pumps? I’ll tell you – no one.
He might be pissed. He will probably need a couple weeks to “figure” out the new direction in his life. Me? I’ve got an entire season of The Bachelor waiting for me. I am going to go home, slip on some leopard print pajamas and Facebook stalk all my old boyfriends. I am going to guzzle a whole bottle of Boone’s and eat a pie. Then I am going to wake up and NOT wonder how the constituents of this district can feel better about their government.
God bless you. Them. Us. Whatever.
I am out.
(And then she drops the mic, throws up a gang sign, and punches her husband in the face).
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