Uncategorized Posts
A Conversation: Russell Brand and Stylist
And now an imaginary conversation between Russell Brand and his stylist. Russell: Hey, man (British accent). Thanks for your help. I’ve got some upcoming events and I am really looking for a new look. Can ya help me? Got a speech before the UK Home Affairs Committee about drugs policy inquiry at Portcullis House. Want to look good, aaaaaaaay-ight. Stylist: Okay, what do you have in mind? Russell: Right. I … Continue reading
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Vegas
Alexis is really proud of her Fox 5 segment where she discussed the sexualization of children with a panel of guests while simultaneously allowing her jugs to spill out of her top. So she’s asked her very close friend Gretchen to come over and check it out for herself and maybe get some tips in the meantime. “Blah, blah, blah, kids are in danger. Whatever. The rest is boring. How … Continue reading
A Letter to My 20-Year Old Self
Dear Kate, This is you writing a letter from your future. I know that you have been pretty bummed that guy you made out with from your internship has not called you. You know, the guy with the light blue eyes and the loafers. The guy who let you buy tickets to that Matchbox Twenty concert. Well, I’ve got some good news. I just Googled him (an Internet tool used … Continue reading
Jennifer Aniston Finds Out Brad and Angelina Are Engaged
This is what I think happens at Chateau Aniston. Cell phone rings. Aniston answers. Aniston: Hello? Friend: Are you sitting down? Aniston: No. Why? Friend: They are engaged. Aniston: WHAT? Friend: Yeah. Aniston: I didn’t check my Google alert yet because I was in the middle of my spin lesson. I was just about to get into the spa. Jesus, I was having a pretty good hair day and my … Continue reading
Miller’s Take: Real Housewives of New Jersey Premiere
Catherine Sisco (nee Miller) and I were roommates in college. We lived down the hall from each other at Trinity and then shared that apartment on Capitol Hill with a con artist landlord. One of the greatest things about Miller (or “Millie” as we would call her) is her devotion to the state of New Jersey. She speaks of Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi like Gods. She could travel the … Continue reading
Why is Mariah Carey on the Cover of Shape Magazine?
Dear Shape Magazine, Can we talk about this month’s cover? Are you seriously kidding me with Mariah Carey? Here’s the thing. I just pushed my own watermelon out of my lady chamber five months ago. I actually read your magazine. I rely on you to give me valuable information about nutrition and exercise. I like to live in what I like to call “the real world” where a woman over … Continue reading
Jesus Might be on Match.com
Good news, I think Jesus is alive and well and using an online dating service. How do I know? The site my girlfriend uses thinks they would be a good match. Walksonh2o Age: 38 Looking for a relationship with all of mankind a woman Here this goes… I am originally from back east, raised in a little town called Nazareth. I am still pretty tight with my parents. I am a … Continue reading
Infomercial of the Day – Solafeet Foot Tanner
Looking for a birthday or Christmas gift for someone you don’t particularly like? Trying to figure out what to get that special someone you’ve been meaning to cut out of your life? I have an idea. I spotted this hot ticket item while boring myself too death by watching The Masters the other weekend. It’s called Solafeet. Suffering from the debilitating effects of a farmer’s tan? Been out swinging a … Continue reading
Real Housewives of OC Recap: Glamping Anyone?
Vicki takes time out from her very busy work day to check up on her buddy Tamra who is still recovering from her jug reduction surgery. Instead of bringing her old friend some cheer and warm wishes for a speedy recovery she points out that she know looks like a flat pancake. “Hope your boyfriend doesn’t leave you, mosquito tits.” Alexis has asked her makeup and hair assistant Shannon to … Continue reading
I will be Angelina Jolie’s Bridesmaid
Everyone seems so thrilled that Angelina and Brad are finally engaged. I am too, I swear. Why not unite in a holy union after a torrid affair and then adopting and having children out of wedlock? Shouldn’t you try to come together and make it official? Absolutely. If anything it will make it less confusing at the pickup and drop-off at school and when picking up the prescriptions at the … Continue reading