Show Recaps

Southern Charm Recap – Campaigns and Fashion Shows

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PATRICIA’S DREAMS

Patricia had been keeping Scrapbooks. Not the kind of crap you’d buy at Michaels and then cover with glitter and plastic sequins, God, no. They were hardbound books flown in from England and monogrammed with gold leaf and filled with pictures of Whitney and his foreign girlfriend Larissa, a socialite from Europe. “Look at how pretty she is,” Patricia told her assistant Butler. “She has acceptable hair and teeth.” It was Whitney’s longest relationship and they seemed well suited based on her ability to recognize an asparagus fork. They could marry in a chateau and then she could wear a Valentino gown, she thought. This was all she ever dreamed of, besides being able to sleep in a bedroom covered in Toile wallpaper and sheets made from Egyptian cotton and goose feathers. But this all hinged on Whitney’s ability to stay faithful despite spending his summer in a beach bachelor pad with Shep littered with condoms and cans of Coors Light.

DRESSING DRINK

Whitney would be escorting her that evening to a fashion show at the Palmer House, an historical Charlestown mansion on the water. (Or as Patricia liked to call it, the Pepto-Bismol bed and breakfast with awful artwork). It would be a lark for Patricia. She had become accustomed to sitting front row at her old friend Karl Lagerfeld’s shows in Paris. (She knew him when he was fat and didn’t wear pirate shirts and Revolutionary war wigs). But she loved Cooper, who was debuting his new line of southern menswear inspired by photos of those soldiers who used to march in formation while playing the flute. But until the show began she would enjoy a dressing drink (a gin martini you sip while reapplying your lipstick) and then wait beside the front door so she could slip on her diamond encrusted heels, which make her feet bleed but are beautiful.

CAMPAIGNS

Thomas had spent the previous day hosting a campaign fundraiser at his home. It was important for him to connect with voters, many of which his campaign manager Amy explained felt like he didn’t connect with people who live in the real world. But he proved them wrong by inviting them to his plantation home with a well-manicured polo field, having his caterers make traditional barbecue food (poor people eat ribs and coleslaw, right?) and switching out his monogram button-down Oxford shirts for a colorful pressed tailored shirt from Thomas Pink in New York. “You are old enough to vote I hope,” he greeted a young woman in his front foyer. But winning the hearts of conservative South Carolina voters meant talking about serious issues like capital gains taxes while making sure the woman who gave birth to your baby outside of wedlock remained hidden. “Thank you to everyone who has supported me thus far including my friends, my campaign team, donors, and….. That about wraps it up.” He had forgotten about Kathryn who had done everything to be a perfect politician’s wife by taking care of his child, preparing her own macaroni and cheese recipe (“that’s my jam”) and wearing a neon orange swimsuit and YSL beach cover-up with a long skirt to an important campaign event. What more could she do? But Thomas felt like she was a liability because she always made a theatrical scene and standing beside her made him look like an uncle escorting his niece to a hip hop concert.

#HELPCRAIG

Shep also had concerns. Cameran was right about Craig; he just didn’t know when the night was over. Did he want to be a lawyer or someone who drank all night and slept all day? It’s a completely acceptable lifestyle if you have a family willing to pay your bills, buy you homes, and let you use their credit cards. You know, just like his family does. But Craig was running out cash. They only thing he carried in his wallet were his driver’s license and a signed photo of himself. But if the state of his bedroom and apartment were an indicator, his life was a shitstorm without a clothes washer and dryer. But he always had modeling!

FASHION SHOWS

Landon had worked on many runway shows. She was happy to help Cooper because she wanted access to potential interior decoration clients and she had become so bored living on her houseboat. Had she not shown up to Cooper’s show it would have looked like a fashion prance held in a family room. With her help she was able to transform it into a fashion fast walk in a living room. Craig was a stand-out, which only reinforced his belief that all of his hard work starving himself could lead to more work in the modeling profession. (His preparation included wearing a tank top and guzzling rum and cokes). Why litigate cases when you can stand in one place, stare at a wall, and show off clothes? Kathryn, who was still hopeful that Thomas would propose especially since convincing him to rent a townhouse downtown, would point out Craig makes for the perfect model. “Is it news to anybody that Craig is like super hot?” It would probably be news to the old man you share a bed with, Kitty Kat.

NEXT WEEK:

Thomas considers shaking up the campaign trail by wearing sneakers.

Craig on Southern Charm on Bravo

Craig on Southern Charm on Bravo

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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