This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Eileen went roller blading, Boy George performed, and Eden worried about Kim.
Erika and Kyle were still in Greece preparing for the Erika Jayne exhibition held in the middle of the night at a European gay men mixer. While Kyle sat in her room brushing her newly trimmed and highlighted hair a staff of 15 tended to Erika’s weave. She had been running late because she spent too much time talking to Tom during dinner. “Hang on, I need to make sure he understands how much I love him,” she explained to Kyle over apple martinis. “Dear, is that you?” she screamed into her phone, which she had on speaker and held lying flat in front of her face like a platter. “I want you to know how much I appreciate you spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on air travel, accommodations, the three people who apply my fake lashes, and my bedazzled outfits,” she said. “Who is this?” he asked. (He was trying to speed walk into the courtroom). “Oh, yes, of course,” he replied, “did you notice I paid for a full moon too?” he asked. Kyle looked into the distance. “I wish Mauricio would pay for a full moon,” she whispered to herself.
At the show Erika was hoisted onto a cliffside stage while wearing custom made Chanel sparkle boots, which cost the same as an undergraduate degree at a liberal arts college. Mikey yelled in her ear their pre-show mantra. “Give them sex on a platter. Pat it till your hand falls off. Live it!” Her fans jumped and screamed in place as she shimmied across the floor. None of the female backup dancers that jump into vagina bruising splits performed, they had missed their flights.
Erika and Kyle returned to the Grecian mansion where they changed into one-piece suits and took pictures by the infinity pool. “Rich bi—es unite!” Mikey screamed.
On the other side of the world Eileen invited Dorit and Lisa Rinna to go roller blading in an abandoned park in the Valley. She and Vinnie had spent many afternoons roller blading through Venice drunk on tequila shots with stonewashed jeans and her frosted tip hair blowing through her banana clip. She was surprised and dismayed the other women were unable to mirror her stride, namely Dorit. Rather than sweating they sat on a blanket beneath a tree and discussed PK’s upcoming birthday plans. “Is it okay if I invite Kim Richards, whom I have only met once,” Dorit asked Lisa. “Oh, yes, I absolutely abhor her and will undoubtedly try to lock her in a bathroom, but go ahead and include her with your plans,” Lisa responded. “Thank you also for asking and not blind siding me like I am a contestant on Big Brother.”
Later that day Eden invited Lisa Rinna and Dorit over for green smoothies Rinna had hoped she could lace with Xanax. “I’ve got this bag of pills if anyone is interested,” she said. Eden noted she was excellent at playing guess the antidepressant. “Half of these are vitamins or help with my “adrenals” or “clogged ears,” Lisa added. Dorit, disappointed there was no vodka on hand, threw her head back with laughter. “Seriously, can I see that bag,” she wondered.
“Is this your son?” Dorit asked Eden. “I just love being with my children,” she said though sometimes she forgot their names. She was also still confused how Eden was unable to drink alcohol but take prescription medication. She promised herself she would do Google research once she got home.
Eden and Lisa Vanderpump were getting along well. Over tea beside Lisa’s swans Eden explained she had recently dumped a boyfriend because he had the balls to call her type A and because he ate cheeseburgers, which made little sense to Vanderpump. “That’s it?” she said. She was no more confused when Eden insisted Kyle was enabling Kim for supporting her often-bizarre behavior. “I can see that she is struggling. I can help awaken other people,” Eden explained. “Kyle allows Kim to speak in ways a non sober person speaks.” Vanderpump sat taller in her love seat. “Don’t say that about my Kyle or we will have a real problem,” she replied. Then they clanged teacups and stared at a wall.
Dorit and PK were always under tremendous pressure to plan parties to showcase their wealth. Normal people have birthday parties with a cake and some pizzas, but a Kemsley needs flower arrangements, disco lighting, wind blowing, smoke, and a musical performance from a 1980s hit maker now currently appearing on Celebrity Apprentice. “If we’re going to do this right,” Dorit explained through her garbled accent, “we must, you know, showcase the talent.” The talent, of course, was PK’s marquee client at PK International, an agency that is so full service you are given a cot to sleep in at the foot of their master bedroom.
Their party planner Cory, who also works in catalogue modeling, explained to the couple that a tarp would need to be put up in the dining room to camouflage Boy George and his back up dancers. “Just tell them that there was a pipe explosion that blew a hole into the side of the house, no one will suspect,” he explained.
Eileen believed it. She had no idea Boy George was squatting behind a plant for an hour while guests were arriving. “I’m glad to see you are dressed more appropriately this time,” Dorit told Erika. Not everyone can wear a Moschino t-shirt dress, Erika explained to producers. She would if she could but she can’t. Eden was delighted to see Kim, but was dismayed when she ignored her upon her arrival. “Can someone help me down these two stairs?” Kim asked. “I’ve got a bad knee and I am getting the shakes because my daughter is going to have a baby in two months.” See! Why would Kim be getting anxious about her daughter having a baby, Eden wondered. No one else seemed to notice or care.
Dorit tried to distract everyone from the trash bags cordoning off the dining area by introducing everyone to her baby nurse, a lady she had dress up in a white nursing uniform. “This is my daughter,” she said while holding her like a football. Then she handed her back and to the nurse and reclaimed her glass of champagne.
After a speech by Dorit her houseguest Boy George revealed himself. “Got you guys!” she squealed. No one was more excited to hear Karma Chameleon than Kim Richards. It reminded her of all the times she unsuccessfully made out with George Michael. Erika Jayne was slightly entertained. “It’s not the Men’s Greek Exhibition in Mykonos.”
PK wears a V-neck.