Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Buddha: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Erika and Dorit continued to fight in Hong Kong, they visited Buddha, Erika cried, and Lisa suggested Dorit does drugs. 

APPROVAL

Dorit yearned for approval from Erika’s cold heart and dead eyes.

This was the crux of their relationship. Dorit needed constant validation and Erika Girardi/Jayne; lead counsel for the Real Housewives franchise was unwilling to give it. Dorit, she believed, lacked an authentic persona. Dorit Lemel grew up in Connecticut with an Ogilvy home perm. Dorit Kingsley was a woman concocted from a Lifetime movie shown on an international flight with subtitles.

“You are not fun or interesting,” Dorit said to Erika while sitting across from her on a luxury boat, “so why would I want to be your friend?” The rest of America thought to themselves the following reasons:

REASONS YOU WOULD WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ERIKA:

  1. Erika sleeps on piles of cash.
  2. She has daily access to the best hair and makeup artists in Beverly Hills, often willing to also do your hair and makeup when given a smoke break.
  3. Free tickets to Dancing With The Stars tapings.
  4. Husband can offer you free legal advice when in a jam.
  5. Private jet ownership.

WE WON’T BE FRIENDS

Erika asked Dorit why she would ever want to be her friend after what she had done with her underwear. It was clear she had inflated a story about Erika not wearing undergarments to minimize lines in her white cocktail dress to develop a story line. By humiliating Erika she would secure a spot for she and PK on the show next season. Erika pointed out suggesting that she would purposely go without underwear for attention was disrespectful to her, to her husband whom never appears on camera, and to the institution of marriage. That was never my attention, replied Dorit despite several conversations with PK during filming. The least you could do, said Erika, was to apologize to her and to Tom.

Dorit had zero interest in chatting with Tom.

OH, SNAP

What Erika did not mention was that she lived in fear of the calls from Tom once this #pantygate became a story line. “Mrs. Girardi/Jayne,” one of her three assistants would say into the home speaker system, “Mr. Girardi is on line 1 and would like to discuss why you didn’t wear underwear on national television.” HOLY WEAVE, she’d think to herself. Should I pretend I am suffering from temporary hearing loss? Does this mean I won’t get a Cartier ring this year? Will he remind me of this every time I ask for more money in the singsong hobby money account?

Dorit didn’t see it that way. Erika, she gathered, liked the attention from a man. She liked to be a sex icon. Didn’t her music videos feature her writhing against a bed poster? She did not, however, take into account most of Erika’s male fans abhor the idea of looking at a vagina.

The next morning Dorit called PK to ask for his advice. He agreed with her that Erika had sycophants on the payroll willing to tell her all day long she was perfect. She can’t always live in a controlled environment where everyone agrees with her forever. Maybe she needs to be set free?

BUDDHA

They gave each other a day to cool off. The stress of the matter caused Erika to allow a few tears to fall from her eyes. She was not a cold person, she just reserved emotion for more important matters – like the day the House Music Awards nominations were announced or when a new package of hair extensions arrived from Norway. Erika and Dorit both sought the comfort of their glam team, people who received a free vacation to an exotic location so that they would never have to let someone see them without fake eyelashes and contoured makeup. “I’ve got to apply my own foundation and eyeliner?” asked Eileen. “I only packed a jumpsuit, a sundress, and a pair of slacks. Can someone French braid my hair?” 

DRESS THE PART

An afternoon spent in torrential rainfall walking up hundreds of steps to the statue of a Buddha didn’t help either. Erika and Dorit refused to look at each other. Erika was equally pissed her Miu Miu orthopedic nursing shoes got soaked in water. By the way, why does Erika always dress up like the hostess at a Chinese restaurant, they all wondered. Less is more. Do you need to wear a silk kimono and stick chopsticks in your hair? We get it – you are in Asia.

THE LAST SUPPER

At their last dinner before Lisa Rinna flew back to QVC headquarters Erika sat stoically beside the glass window. Lisa Rinna asked Dorit if she had taken the opportunity to apologize to Erika. “Is it really a big deal?” asked Lisa Vanderpump, “especially when you compare it to what is happening at the Yulin dog festival?” Erika asked her not to minimize her feelings. “I don’t have any feelings,” said Erika, “but if I did you shouldn’t minimize them.” 

“Let me ask you something,” Lisa Rinna asked Dorit. “Do you trust your weird husband?” Dorit was appalled. “If you trust him what’s it matter if he sees another lady’s vag?” asked Lisa Rinna. Dorit absolutely trusted him. In fact he was probably back at home staring at the 8×10 photo she had framed of herself on the bedside table. Husbands are off limits, said Kyle. Of all people Lisa Rinna would agree given the way she’d never forgiven Kim for implying Harry had done her wrong in Amsterdam.

Dorit asked Lisa Rinna to shut her lips. Lisa finally agreed to but only after shoving a piece of tempura in her mouth.

COME ON EILEEN

Eileen, sweet Eileen from Days of Our Lives, merely suggested this entire fiasco wasn’t a huge tragedy. “I don’t think Dorit is malicious,” she explained. “But she didn’t kill your child.”

Holy nutballs, that set Erika over the ledge. “You don’t know what I deal with every night,” she growled. She reminded everyone that her son was a police officer. Eileen thanked him for his service, which Erika dismissed. Kyle tried to remind Erika that Eileen adored her. “She has all your albums and knows all the choreography. For God’s sake, she has your VIP passes framed in a shadowbox in her dressing room at the soap opera.” Erika wouldn’t have any of it.

THERE SHE BLOWS

Lisa Rinna held Erika and her Rapunzel hair in her very small arms. “It’s okay, let it out,” she whispered. “Also, support me in 3 minutes when I accuse Dorit of doing blow.” 

Back at her seat Lisa Rinna asked to divert discussion away from Erika’s crotch. “Before I leave to sell cardigan sweaters at QVC, Dorit,” asked Lisa. “Can you explain why everyone got up at your dinner party and left me with a weasel in a spray tan?” Dorit didn’t understand what she meant. “Let me just come out and say it, were people doing coke in your bathroom?” Doritos eyeballs grew wide.

NEXT WEEK:

What DID happen in the bathroom at Dorit’s house?

Buddha, Real Housewives of Beverly HIlls, Recap

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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