The Bachelorette With Becca Premiere Recap
BECCA THE BACHELORETTE
Several months ago a retired semi-professional racecar driver turned real estate agent dumped a publicist (Becca) from Minneapolis on national television. Immediately after a snot filled breakdown producers alerted her that she would be able to be the star of her own spin-off, one that would present her as the country’s most eligible single person. While living in the Westlake Village Marriott she would visit a faux Tuscan rental home in the valley filled with single men on low carb diets angling for the opportunity for screen time. “One of them may or may not be your potential future fiancé,” explained an over zealous production assistant hopped up on Adderall. “Great! Let’s start filming,” she squealed.
So here we are on premiere night. She’s wearing a sequin bridal gown hopeful her four days of television humiliation will culminate with product endorsements, magazine covers, and a large engagement ring from Neil Lane.
Here were the 8 most memorable moments from the premier of this season of The Bachelorette:
8 MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS
- Producers had Becca meet with Kaitlyn, Jojo, and Rachel to ensure her that an engagement is a sure possibility. After they modeled their free engagement rings they saged the rental home (and Becca’s vagina) to rid the space of negative and potential anti-boner energies.
- Several men received packages opening up viewers to their sad life before they became contestants on a dating show. Colton runs a charity and carries his 100-pound dog like a toddler. Garrett loves to fly fish and reenact movie scenes. Jordan is a Florida based catalog model. Lincoln from Nigeria loves long walks in the city. Joe from Chicago owns a grocery store and therefore really understands fruit. Jean Blanc spends his entire paycheck on fragrances. Clay may have played professional football, but his true passion is cooking meals for his extended family.
- The limo presentations were varied in scope. Several men had over-tailored suits with little room for extra body weight and few wore socks. John and Mike looked like they may have appeared on episodes of 48 Hours Mystery. Leo had unreasonably long hair like that of a real housewife. Garrett rolled up in a minivan filled with goldfish, Capri Suns, and sports equipment. A realtor jumped out of a hearse. Someone claiming to be a “venture capitalist” dressed up like a chicken. One contestant brought a gospel choir. Ryan spoke about his ability to play a banjo and Blake opted to arrive on an ox. One contestant was a fitness coach, which is code for schedules appointments for clients at a 24 Hour Fitness.
- Once the men had all arrived Becca headed inside where she could spend 45 seconds with each contestant. The fitness coach took a samurai knife and cut off the top of a champagne bottle. He poured it in his own mouth before offering her any to drink. Clay brought clay. A former Harlem globetrotter dunked a basket while almost karate kicking Becca’s head mid-swoosh. Becca screamed, “There are so many balls!” The cologne expert gave her a scented candle. Chris and Chase, two contestants with zero chance of ever getting engaged to Becca, argued about whether Chase was there for the right reasons. “My ex knows his ex and that ex says he is joining the show for his marketing career,” he tried to explain.
- Jake and Becca have mutual friends in Minneapolis. During one of Jake’s self-explained darkest years they met on several occasions, none that impressed Becca. She calmly told him it was best he moved on despite the fact he probably quit his job and spend his entire savings on outfits for the show. “If we met at a bar in Minnesota under different circumstances we would still be together,” said Jake. “Uh, not really,” replied Becca.
- Garrett, the man who brought a fishing pool along with his minivan, was given the first impression rose. (Historically the man given the FIR ends up on the cover of US Weekly with The Bachelorette, explained the previous Bachelorettes).
- Still in the game: Blake, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David the Chicken Guy, Jordan, Leo, Mike Man Bun, and Chris.
- Sent home: Chase, Kamil, Joe, Darius, Christian, and Grant.
Kamil was devastated.
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