Reality TV Stars
I Should Be The Bachelor’s Life Coach And Here’s Why
Screw Chris Harrison. I should be The Bachelor’s life coach during this romantic process. The Bachelor needs someone who can provide him with candid advice without any obligation to him as a member of the show’s production team or a member of his family. I am a complete outsider with the necessary qualifications to help him walk through what could be the most important decision of his life.
- I am a lady.
- I can translate hormonal outbursts.
- I am able to differentiate between someone suffering through a mental breakdown or auditioning for a potential spin-off show.
How could I have been handy? Let’s walk through last night’s episode.
What happened: Chris’ idea of a fun group date is inviting 6 women over for a rooftop pool party and then making them walk in their bikinis down to the street so they can compete in a tractor race.
My advice: Is this a dating show or hazing for a sorority? That’s psychological torture. They all want to marry you and you are making them stand before you in bathing suits. Then you ask them to mount farming equipment. This isn’t the movie Footloose, Kevin Bacon. They just want to hang out in some comfortable pants and get to know you, man.
What happened: Chris decides to spend time alone with Mackenzie, a 21-year-old dental assistant. He’s surprised to find out she hasn’t been on a date in a year because she has a one-year-old son.
My advice: You are 33 years old. What did you think you actually had in common with someone who just this year was old enough to buy wine coolers? Maybe not the best decision maker if she’s left her kid so she can spend weeks on the set of a reality dating program.
What happened: Chris took a bunch of girls on group date in a limousine to an abandoned lot where they were “attacked” by zombies. After collective crapping of their pants he led them in a game of paintball.
My advice: What’s your next idea for a date? Pounding beers at a shooting range? Krav Maga classes? Do you want a wife or a slot on American Gladiators?
What happened: Chris notices Ashley S. might not understand the rules of the game. “I feel like I’m in, like, the Mesa Verde,” she says nonsensically, “the Messsa Verrrdeeee.” And it doesn’t end. “That’s how I feel like, boom. That’s the truth. Boom. That’s how I feel. Go find your own way to the truth.” Later she told Chris to hide, but quickly forgot, and asked if they were in a dome. He confesses to cameras “Ashley has moments of saying really intelligent things and then it kind of drifts off into something I don’t understand.” She then reappears. “You don’t want to lose the whole world, right, but actually, you don’t want to gain the whole world. You don’t want to lose your soul,” she explained.
My advice: I think your lady friend might be on some pills and may have just washed them down with whiskey. Are you up for a long distance relationship if she goes to Promises in Malibu?
What happened: He makes out hard with Ashley I., a freelance journalist and virgin.
My advice: Before you start shoving your throat down someone’s throat you should know this won’t go past second base. Pace yourself.
He obviously needs me.
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