Reality TV Stars

Would You Want The Bachelor To Meet Your Family?

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If you were a contestant on The Bachelor would you want him to meet your family?

I kept asking myself this last week while watching the four remaining contestants introduce him to their parents with great excitement. How can you be that excited if your family is a train wreck? You can’t just offer an alternative idea, like saving the family meeting for after the finale once you’ve already secured an engagement ring?

It just feels like a huge game of suppress your personality. Because if you were being authentic wouldn’t you want to give him a heads up that your family is nuts?

Here are things you never hear:

“Today you are going to meet my dad Larry and his wife Shelly. They’ve been married for three years but together for 15 because they began sleeping together when she was his secretary. You will also be meeting by brother Kevin and his girlfriend Leah. You won’t be meeting my brother Jimmy because he’s currently addicted to crystal meth. The good news for us is that he was adopted, so you don’t need to worry about our future children inheriting addiction issues. My mom also wont be coming because she’s made it clear that if she is ever in the same room with Shelly she will rip out her weave and shove it down her throat.”

Instead you hear how close the contestant is to her family and how important it is to get the approval of their parents despite the fact they are all adults and on a reality television dating show.

I suppose you just want to keep things positive. You should have no doubts about marrying me because my parents are still married, I am a virgin, and my siblings are unusually attached to me. My family is perfect. We are like one of those families you find in the picture frame when you buy it.

Former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman confessed in a Huffington Post interview that contestants often host the Bachelor in a rich relative’s home. You know, offset the fact your parents have a stained carpet and mismatched plates by letting him think you were raised by people with a clean house. She says the contestant has to think of a fun and distinctive local activity for the Bachelor to do before enjoying a sit down family meal, which you are forced to plan through producers because they cut off all communication with your loved ones until you show up for your hometown date.

Dear Mom: Play it cool and don’t make a casserole unless you want me to remain single for the rest of my life. Also, please remove all photos of me from middle school, specifically my “fugly” years when I had braces and acne unless you ever want to see any potential grandchildren.

And are you at a disadvantage if your parents don’t live in a thriving metropolis? What are you supposed to do if you were raised in a split-level in a depressing suburb with high unemployment rates? Want to go walk some laps around Wal-Mart?

This is why I would have made a terrible contestant on The Bachelor. (That and the fact I am pale and would wear tankinis in the hot tub scenes). I would not have been able to withstand the pressure of having to introduce him to my family on national television.

We’re here today in my hometown of West Chester, Pennsylvania. I am going to take Ben to see the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia because I am hoping we get stuck in traffic in the city so we can abort Operation Pretend We Are Normal. Otherwise he’s going to meet my step-dad Joe who sells propane to builders when he isn’t in the hospital for complications due to his Pacemaker malfunctioning. Fingers crossed he’s put away his at-home urine container, which he uses not because of a prostate issue, but because he’s lazy and doesn’t want to get up to go to the bathroom while he watches MASH reruns. I’m also hoping he doesn’t wear his stained sweatpants or fart during dinner. Ben won’t be meeting my dad Paul because although he lives two towns away he’s currently under the impression I might not be his biological child because we have different hair color and eyes. It would also be confusing to explain that his Irish accent is fake and that he at no point served in the Irish Army because he’s actually a waiter at a local restaurant. I would, however, like him to meet my aunt the Episcopal priest. I’m thinking she will give me some religious street cred. I am sure he will love them just like he loves his own family. (Who by the way are also weird, but I didn’t want to address it until after we are engaged and I don’t have a microphone lodged on my back).

Then at the rose ceremony held back in Malibu in the mansion they rented from a nice family on an extended vacation he would withhold a rose. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t see it working out between us,” he would say before slamming the door to the limo. Then I would beat myself up because I should have hired actors to play my relatives.

There goes romance.

The Bachelor, Ben, Hometown Dates

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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