Show Recaps

Bachelorette Recap: Meet The Contestants

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RACHEL

Rachel is a civil defense litigator with a Pilates instructor body and a heart made of rose gold. After putting her caseload on hold she did not ultimately find true and deep love with Bachelor Nick. As a consolation prize she was given the greatest award in the Bachelor franchise, her own spin-off where she can take luxurious vacations with contestants. With the help of her three-legged dog and a team of producers who are for once excited about the person given this incredible opportunity she is hoping she will find a husband.

I have watched the premiere episode so you don’t have to. Here’s what you need to know about the men vying for her heart with a borrowed diamond ring from Neil Lane.

MEET THE CONTESTANTS

LIMO ONE

Kenny, 35, Professional Wrestler 

Las Vegas, Nevada

Kenny has a 10-year-old daughter and wears spandex shorts for a living.

Jack, 31, Attorney

Dallas, Texas

He also lives in Texas and works in the legal industry, but has blinding veneers. He has spent a lot of time sitting by a lake reflecting on the fact he was an only child. There is a possibility he has a wandering eye.

Alex, 28, Informations Systems Supervisor

Grosse Pointe, Michigan

Meathead nerd who likes to do coding in his spare time. His parents don’t speak English. He likes to vacuum.

Mohair, 26, Product Manager

Pacifica, CA

He has a busy lifestyle, but somehow had time to take months off of work and from his family to find romance. His entire family performs Bollywood dances.

Lucas, 30

Somewhere in California

Unemployed. He is the Vicki Gunvalson of The Bachelorette.

Blake, 31, Aspiring Drummer

Marina del Ray, California

Might be a sex addict. Pegs his pants and doesn’t wear socks with his loafers.

Diggy, 31, Senior Inventory Analyst

Chicago, Illinois

Probably works at a mall.

Josiah, 28, Prosecutor

Fort Lauderdale, Florida

A self-proclaimed reformed juvenile now working to provide justice. He has horrible interior decorating taste.

Peter, 30, Business Owner

Madison, Wisconsin

He was besotted with her gap tooth, a physical trait they both share.

Bryan, 37, Chiropractor

Miami, Florida

Columbian.

LIMO TWO

Bryce, 30, Firefighter

Orlando, Florida

Would spend half of their relationship carrying her around like kindling for a fire.

Iggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO

Chicago, Illinois

Insecure about the fact half the contestants are male models.

Will, 28, Sales Manager 

Miami, Florida

Spirit animal is Steve Urkell.

Kyle, 26, Marketing Consultant

Los Angeles, CA

Brought pastries.

Blake, 29, Marine Vet

San Francisco, CA

Loves to give motivational speeches, even when they are not necessary. Brought a marching band to the limo introductions.

Brady, 29, Male Model

Miami, Florida

Too comfortable with an ice pick.

Dean, 25, Start-up recruiter

San Francisco, CA

Concerned Rachel may have remembered his comment that he would only date black women going forward. He brought her a sandbox despite the fact she was wearing an expensive evening gown she would have to return.

Eric, 29, Personal Trainer

Los Angeles, CA

The most annoying person on the dance floor at a wedding.

DeMario, 30, Executive Recruiter

Century City, California

Kept plane tickets in his jacket because he had convinced himself Rachel would want to elope.

Fred, 27, Executive Assistant

Dallas, Texas

Has been thinking about her since he was in elementary school. (She was in 8th grade when he was in 3rd). Rachel recalled he was a horrible child.

Jonathan, 31, Tickle Monster

New Smyrna, Georgia

Within 30 seconds of meeting Rachel grabbed her torso and pressed his fingers into her skin with the hope she would laugh.

Lee, 30, Songwriter

Nashville, TN

Low rent Blake Shelton.

Milton, 31, Hotel Reservation Supervisor

North Bay Village, FL

Takes Polaroids.

Adam, 26, Real Estate Agent

Dallas, Texas

Travels with a doll.

Matt, 32, Construction Sales Rep

Meridien, CT

Wore a dumb penguin costume. He may have been drunk.

Grant, 29, Emergency Physician

New York, NY

Brought an ambulance.

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager

Chicago, Illinois

Listening to him talk is about as interesting as watching paint dry.

Jamey, 32, Sales Account Executive

Santa Barbara, California

Likes evening wear.

Jedidiah, 35, ER Physician

Augusta, Georgia

Loves the Bible.

Michael, 26, Former Pro Basketball Player

Chicago, Illinois

Brought her brownies.

ROSES

First Impression Rose: The Columbian.

Received Roses: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake E., and Lucas.

Sent Home: Mo, Rob, Kyle, Blake K., Grant, Jedidiah, Michael, and Milton.

The Bachelorette Premiere, Rachel, Contestants

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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