Bachelorette Recap: Everyones Hates Lee
This week on The Bachelorette was spent in South Carolina and everyone hates Lee.
SWEET HOME SOUTH CAROLINA
EVERYONE HATES LEE
- Lee, a horrible human being who carries a pocketknife, interrupted Kenny’s date with Rachel twice as they sat on a love seat in the middle of a backyard patio adorned with candles. He explained to an invisible cameraman that he liked to cause drama. Dean, an attractive man with the skills required to be a psychologist noted Lee only starts fights with people outside of his race.
- At the rose ceremony Rachel kept Jack, a man with large teeth and the temperament of someone who hides behind bushes. Somehow Lee was given a rose and men with morals and values were sent packing. Editorial note: I have high hopes for Diggy.
- Rachel needed a fresh perspective, so she fled to South Carolina. “I can not think of a better place to fall deeply in TV love than Hilton Head,” she explained. Eric, a personal trainer, felt refreshed too. Bryan, a chiropractor in a Miami boy band, offered her measurements and a full body adjustment.
- Dean, a startup recruiter was given a solo date, which was spent in the middle of a swamp with a picnic basket. Later he was subjected to a Goodyear Blimp ride, which was not ideal for someone with a fear of heights. When he wasn’t trying to withhold vomit he admired the landscape, namely Rachel’s lips and chest. At the conclusion of their date a country band no one has ever heard of performed a song for them while an audience held up their cell phones.
- The remaining men stayed sequestered in a 3 star hotel eating buffet food and staring at walls. They all felt disappointment when the Blimp informed them Rachel and Dean were on board, and likely making out, however spirits were lifted after Peter read a dramatic reading of the group date card. They could prove their TV love to her by going shirtless on riverboat booze cruise. Peter proved himself to be an abhorrent rapper with the fashion style of a retiree at a golf resort.
- Unconvinced most of the contestants had any intellect Rachel forced them to participate in a spelling bee judged by middle school girls. Kenny couldn’t spell champagne. Iggy couldn’t spell boudoir. Eric couldn’t spell façade. Peter had no idea how to spell coitus. Josiah had no problem spelling polyamorous.
- Rachel likes reality tv and is a compulsive house cleaner.
- Since Iggy was “protective” of Rachel he let her know Josiah had not given up his life to appear on a TV romance show for the right reasons. “With all due respect, Iggy is a bitch,” explained Josiah, before adding he shoots steroids into his nuts.
- “You know how I like to keep it 100,” said Rachel to Kenny. She was concerned after Lee informed her Kenny was an aggressive contestant. Kenny smiled and noted Lee was essentially baiting him. “Look, he’s an alternative facts piece of trash,” Kenny explained.“He’s a reptilian piece of garbage.” The rest of the people watching this show noted Kenny is a good person and will hopefully get a wrestling spinoff.
- Kenny and Lee walked outside to discuss matters. “It looks like blood will be shed,” observed Adam.
Kenny has a bloody eyebrow.
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