The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette Finale: Proposed

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It was the end of perhaps the longest journey in The Bachelorette history. There on a cliff in Rioja, Spain Rachel stood waiting for the guy she sort of liked hoping he’d give her a borrowed ring. In the end it was a choice between Peter, a man with Richard Gere hair and a Lauren Hutton gap tooth and Bryan, a man so charming his own mother didn’t want to release him from her arms. Bryan proposed though there were lingering doubts if she had chosen the right one. 

Unlike years past Chris Harrison asked Rachel to watch the entire finale with all of us, so viewers could watch her remember the moment she made one of the worst decisions of her life live on camera.

PROPOSED

This is what happened in the two hours before the proposal:

  1. We caught up with Rachel on her over night date with Peter, a night that was marred with tear-stained pillows and blank stares at walls. Peter, you see, made it clear he wasn’t ready to propose to her and she wasn’t ready to leave with just a boyfriend. As she wept through the longest eyelashes available for sale at Sephora he assured her that her tears were not useless. He understood how she felt, so yeah, that was something.
  2. They used the fantasy suite card, because if you are unsure about the future of your relationship you should at least have sex. The next morning as Peter cooked her dry scrambled eggs she wondered where it had all gone wrong. Not to worry, as she still had an overnight date with the chiropractor.
  3. Bryan and Rachel went horseback riding so he could figure out if he wanted to take her hand in love, marriage, and branding. “I feel like I am on top of the world with the woman I love/will sit beside me on the cover of US Magazine. Rachel, however, was still lost in memories of Peter’s tattooed arms embracing her as she realized he was just not that into her. “She’s a little off,” Bryan noted as Rachel stared at her shoes.
  4. Later that night at dinner Bryan wanted to know why her “vibe” was off. Could it have been another man, Bryan? That said they probably boned in the fantasy suite.
  5. Rachel explained to Chris that she used the overnight dates as an opportunity to run through the list of concerns her family had and to ask about their credit scores and possible arrest records.
  6. While dressed in a mariachi costume Rachel explained that she wanted someone ready for marriage, but kept Peter and let Eric go. “It’s hard to say goodbye when I have such strong feelings for you, it’s just I have stronger feelings for the other guys. I do love you, but I’m just not in love with you,” she explained. Eric hiked up his pants and an assured her that he would always love her. He wept in the suburban as he drove away. Did I mention he was wearing a bead bracelet?
  7. Back in the studio audience Eric reappeared to let Rachel know that despite the fact she ripped out his heart on national television she had made him a man by introducing him to love. Scram, Eric. Let’s get back to the show.
  8. Despite Bryan listing in his Bachelor casting package that he was terrified of heights the production arranged for he and Rachel to take a hot air balloon ride. Despite privately struggling with an oncoming anxiety attack Bryan shoved his tongue down her throat and held her small head in his hands. Rachel assured him later, on land, that he was always her constant. “You are steady, but I basically have no idea where I will go.” He gifted her with a Spanish dictionary.
  9. Peter sat in his hotel room wondering when this nightmare would end, calmly writing song lyrics in his journal.
  10. A monk greeted Peter and Rachel at a monastery on a hill and asked them to explore their feelings about a marital union. Peter explained he wanted to take an engagement seriously, only proposing to one special woman in his lifetime. Rachel said beside him with her cheeks clenched. “Good luck to you,” said the actor portraying a priest before walking out the door of the church and into a rental car.
  11. Although Peter could see a future with Rachel exploring the fruit stands at the farmer’s market he didn’t want to just start handing out engagement rings. “I take this seriously,” he reminded her, as if she had just given up her law career just to travel through Europe.
  12. Peter admitted he had finally realized that day he was in love with her, but he was not ready to propose. “I get confused by you,” said Rachel. No, Rachel, he was pretty clear. He doesn’t want to get engaged YET. He wants to DATE YOU. “How can I be sure this will eventually end in marriage?” she asked. IT PROBABLY WON’T.
  13. Peter agreed to propose if it was what she wanted, though he admitted he would resent her in the end. He didn’t want to lose her, but he didn’t want to have to go on Good Morning America months afterwards and pretend he was happy. “I think we’re both going to regret this decision,” Peter said when they mutually agreed it wouldn’t work if she wouldn’t allow him more time. Peter sobbed into his sweater and so did I. “What is wrong with me?” Peter asked himself. NOTHING, Peter, absolutely nothing.
  14. Though Rachel insisted in interviews she was happy now, her breasts told a different story. They were heaving as Peter sat beside her in a velvet tuxedo. He reached out to her after their final goodbye, but she declined. She thought the timeline didn’t suit a man like Peter, but the single women of America disagreed. “This process is not for you,” she told Peter. This process is really not for ANYONE. In fact right now the women of Madison, Wisconsin are lining up to take his aerobics class.
  15. After a meeting with Neil Lane and a steep walk up a hill in a suit in the middle of a tornado Bryan proposed.
  16. Before Chris Harrison interviewed Bryan he stood up to ask Rachel a question. I was expecting him to start singing a love song, but he re-placed the engagement ring he got for free on her finger.

They were “probably” moving to Los Angeles so they could pursue their new careers as television hosts.

The Bachelorette Finale, Proposal, Rachel, Bryan

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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