Show Recaps

10 Best Moments From The Bachelorette: Evan Rises

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This week on The Bachelorette JoJo and Chase did hot yoga and Evan alluded to Chad using steroids prompting Chris Harrison to hire a security guard. 

Here are the 10 best moments from The Bachelorette this week. 

Week Three – Part One

EVAN RISES

  1. Chase and JoJo enjoyed a special one on one date at a hot yoga studio, which seemed fitting because should they get married and have children one day yoga pants are all JoJo will end up wearing. Unlike other hot yoga classes across America this studio asks for you to mount the person working out beside you and look deep into their eyes and embrace any desire to simulate dry humping. Later, after they had taken a shower to remove the layers of sweat, Chase explained he doesn’t intend to ever get a divorce, which is no different than the 50% of Americans who end up getting a divorce.
  2. Chad and Daniel developed a deep bond for measuring protein powder, counting calories, and watching each other lift weights as if they were co-workers at a Gold’s Gym in the San Fernando Valley.
  3. On the group date the men were asked to give sexual monologues. “This is another day in the office for me,” Evan the erectile dysfunction expert reminded everyone before launching into a dissertation on what happens when a man on steroids tries to have sex with a woman. Unhappy with the way he highlighted how JoJo may never feel satisfied by him Chad lunged at Evan upon his return to his theater seat ripping his v-shirt neck shirt in the process. “Today’s not about the past, today is about the future,” Chad said to JoJo who he had plucked from the audience to stand on stage. He boldly leaned to plant a steroid kiss on her face, which she rejected. The other men, namely Wes the marine rejoiced.
  4. When Jordan asked Chad in front of the remaining contestants why in God’s name JoJo would want to choose a man who subsides on a diet of lunch meat, raw sweet potatoes, and lettuce Chad turned the tables asking why she would want a 27 year-old failed football player. It was like a production of Westside Story performed by the brothers at Sigma Alpha Epsilon.
  5. To prove he had not terrified a 33-year-old father with a small frame and weasel hair Chad pronounced he had been the victim of bullying because Evan would do jazzercise squats nearby whenever he needed to lift weights to diminish his roid rage.
  6. When faced with the painful request to choose him over a luxury real estate agent from the middle of the state of Oklahoma, Evan was given a red rose boutonnière. Evan was happy because he would be able to tell the children he abandoned to be a on a romantic reality television show for several weeks that a lady with great jugs and hair kept him around another week.
  7. Chad was confused by this development. “Are you seriously vibing with this guy?” he asked. JoJo, who is no master of the English language, asked that he be more respectful.
  8. Evan pulled aside Chris Harrison the next morning to inform him what had been transpiring. Chris nodded even though he had watched the entire debacle enfold from the luxury of a production van while drinking scotch and smoking clove cigarettes. “I’ll take care of it,” he said. A security guard was tasked with the job of following Chad’s whereabouts even though it was unlikely the guard would be able to run several laps or walk up a steep set of stairs.
  9. Although Daniel enjoyed Chad’s company he worried what being friends with someone who would probably one day appear on an episode of Dateline would do for his reputation. “Let’s just pretend you’re Hitler,” Daniel said. “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler,” Chad responded. Perhaps more like Mussolini?
  10. James confessed to JoJo after a swing dance lesson that he had been an unattractive child, information that is never useful on a first date with a woman you would be interested in marrying. But she had given him confidence because she pretended to enjoy a song he had made up about living in the equivalent of a male brothel, a song he had hoped would make its way to iTunes and provide him with a platform for next season of The Voice.

NEXT EPISODE:

At a mid-day pool party Chad explodes into rage while the others stare at JoJo in her bikini.

The Bachelorette, Week 3, Evan. Chad, JoJo, Recap

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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