Show Recaps

Ellen Degeneres: 9 Bachelorette Observations

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This week on The Bachelorette Ellen DeGeneres had the bachelors strip for charity, several men mud wrestled, and Eric held a meeting while dancing in circles.

ELLEN DEGENERES

9 Observations From The Bachelorette This Week 

  1. DeMario returned to the mansion to apologize. “Please let me make up for the fact I was boning another woman,” he told Rachel. “I would like this opportunity to promote myself so I can sell Flat Tummy tea on Instagram in a few months.” Rachel, a corporate defense attorney, explained to him that she was happy he had learned a life lesson, but it was time for him to go back to the real world defeated and alone. The other men tucked in their pants and stood up straight. She would stomp on their nuts if they crossed her.
  2. The remaining men tried their best to impress her by bringing enlarged hand props (Jonathan), a rubix cube (Alex), and pictures of their offspring (Kenny).
  3. Lucas explained to Rachel while slurring that Blake likes to stand by his bed at night while taunting him with a peeled banana. “Not true,” explained Blake, “because I don’t eat carbohydrates.” Wa-boom and Blake were sent home. “I didn’t expect this,” said Blake. “Don’t be,” said everyone who watches this show. “Go back to your steroids,” said Lucas.
  4. Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred spent a group date at the Ellen Degeneres Show. “Every year I promise myself I won’t watch this show because I don’t have enough time,” said Ellen. “Then I realize I have enough time.” They all dry humped the audience with Alex achieving a gold medal in lap dancing. Ellen Degeneres held out little hope for anyone. Alex admitted he pissed in the mansion pool. After Frederick admitted he’d loved her since elementary school they kissed. There were no sparks, she felt like she was kissing a boy and let him go.
  5. Rachel invited Anthony to a rodeo – as in the street in Beverly Hills where cougars with bottomless bank accounts shop. “This feels right,” said Anthony after getting bejeweled with buckles and cowboy boots. They spent the rest of the afternoon shopping on a borrowed horse, which shit on shop floors.
  6. Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis missed being on the show, so they took the remaining group date candidates to a mud wrestling championship so they could judge their commitment to Rachel. Bryce was awarded champion of the pit because of his prior experience torturing his younger siblings. “He’s strong,” said one of the other contestants while covered in mud. Bryce was given a belt from Chico’s as a consolation prize. They all doubted Eric’s interest in a long-term future. Despite this Rachel gave him a rose.
  7. Kenny admitted he was once a Chippendale’s dancer and offered Rachel a busted version of Magic Mike.
  8. Eric was upset the others thought he wasn’t in this for the right reasons. “How can you think I am not here for the right reasons, yo?” Eric asked the 12 men who gave up careers so they could appear on a national reality show.
  9. “My name is in your mouth,” said Eric while dancing in circles before the living room couch. It was clear he was on the verge of a breakdown.

NEXT WEEK:

Everyone hates Lee.

The Bachelorette. Ellen Degeneres

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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