Show Recaps

The Bachelor Recap: Virgin Islands

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This week on The Bachelor the remaining nine contestants visited St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands.

 

VIRGIN ISLANDS

Best Moments From The Bachelor This Week

  1. Taylor cock blocked Corinne’s middle-of-the-alley dinner date. “She’s garbage,” she basically said. Nick thanked her for her input. “I hear what you are saying, but she’s willing to take it past third base, so can I get back to my plastic food?” he replied. He gave Corinne a rose. “I see potential in her, I guess,” he said before shoving his tongue down her throat.
  2. Rather than wasting his time with meaningless conversations Nick canceled the cocktail party so he could give prom flowers to the few he could imagine seeing himself with on the cover of a magazine. The bisexual chef with the nose ring was surprised she was not chosen and so was the girl dressed like a dolphin from New Jersey.
  3. The remaining contestants landed in the Virgin Islands. “St. Thomas is a perfect place to fall in love,” said one of the remaining ten contestants. Nick immediately whisked Kristina, the Russian orphan off via helicopter for a romantic excursion. Jasmine the professional cheerleader melted into a puddle of tears. “I try to be strong,” she explained of watching a guy she barely knew take a girl she’s been bunking with out on a day date.
  4. Nick was hopeful he could break down Kristina’s walls while wearing a tank top. His veneers and marbled speech prevented him from fully being understood.
  5. Corinne took advantage of the hotel maid named Lorna.
  6. I tried to follow Kristina and Nick’s conversation, but she talked fast and monotone. He gave her a rose.
  7. During a group date the women played volleyball. It was like a Top Gun reenactment, but without Goose or Maverick. Corinne was wasted and Jasmine and Vanessa had mental breakdowns. “I am not playing anymore,” said Jasmine. “This is stupid,” argued Vanessa. “I think this idea of a fun day where they all worship me backfired,” noted Nick. He had also forgotten to put on sunscreen. “I can’t stand group dates,” explained Rachel. “Here’s the thing,” Nick explained, “don’t go even though I am making out with 9 other contestants. I get it. I had panic attacks when I was in your position. I almost sought mental intervention, but I am here now. Just keeping reassuring me you worship me.”
  8. After experiencing an emotional breakdown Jasmine was eliminated. “Good luck, and I hope you meet the right person,” said Jasmine before walking back to the car service. Wow, there goes two months of my life wasted, she thought. “I wasn’t prepared,” she noted, “the way he made me feel and how I feel about him. I came here to fall in love and I really thought it might happen for us. I don’t think he really knows what he wants and it won’t work out of him.” Um, yeah, responded everyone watching this show.
  9. Nick interrupted Danielle’s seaside monologue about her devotion to him to walk over to Whitney’s beach canopy to let her know she had been eliminated. He left the island with Danielle by helicopter. “I didn’t see that coming,” said Whitney despite only spending a cumulative 6 hours with him.
  10. Nick and Danielle weighed their relationship needs. Nick wanted someone raw and adventurous. Danielle wanted someone who valued a great manicure. Nick waved the rose in front of her face. “I want to give this to you, but I, eh, I don’t know, I can’t.” He apologized to her and hoped he didn’t destroy her experience on a reality television show. She held his hand and wished him goodbye. She wept in the car on the way to the airport.
  11. “I can’t help but wonder if this won’t end up working for me in the end,” said Nick. Um, yeah, said everyone watching this show. “Am I trying too hard to make it work?” he wondered before infiltrating the remaining contestant suite. As tears left his eyeballs he explained that all the women they had befriended and he had made out with were let go because they lacked what he needed at this juncture. “I want to be honest, I wanted to come into this optimistic, but it looked like this will be another disaster.” Then he let them know he didn’t think he could carry on with the charade any longer and left.
  12. Vanessa, sensing she had thrown away months of her life also walked out the door.

NEXT WEEK:

Everyone wants off this show.

The Bachelor, Recap, St. Thomas

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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