Show Recaps

The Bachelor Recap: Nick Returns

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Tonight on the season premiere of The Bachelor…

NICK

Nick Viall knew that America wasn’t exactly jazzed about him. As Heather McDonald pointed out in her last episode of Juicy Scoop with Heather Mcdonald, Luke Pell had been discounted after he had made too many demands. (He wanted the show to air his songs). Producers scrambled at the last minute to replace him and chose Nick with the hope he would somehow find love after appearing on the show 4 times.

“I won’t get between me and a love story,” Nick garbled in the way someone on Xanax with a speech impediment would say. He was aware he mumbled and often shoved his fingers in his mouth. He had a tendency to look away when spoken to in the way someone on Bold and the Beautiful performs a monologue. He knew he was long winded and had a hard time sitting properly on a love seat. Without the help of an ABC stylist he chose shitty outfits and his hair needed to be shellacked with gel to manage his Shirley temple curls. “I do know about a broken heart,” he explained. “My biggest fear, other than losing his wooden bead bracelets while swimming, was getting hurt again.”

Nick had few friends, the result of disappearing for months at a time on a reality show set. Instead of seeking the help of a life coach or therapist he spoke with his teenage sister Bella who quoted to him from the twilight books. He also sought the support of strangers at the grocery store or at outside malls. Many were hopeful and others made sure to tell him they thought he was a piece of shit. There was no one as hopeful, however, as three former Bachelors who had become considerably less attractive since their seasons aired. Ben Higgins, a spray-tan-less Sean Lowe, and a 55-year-old greasy-haired Chris Soules encouraged him to be himself. “Until I saw you on Bachelor of Paradise I thought you were a douche,” they explained, “but that was your redemption tour. Now you need to show America you can zip up your pants and get serious, at least until a few weeks after the last episode airs before they ask you to appear on Dancing With The Stars.”

The contestant’s video profiles began. 

THE CONTESTANTS

  • Rachel asked paralegals in her law firm to come to the conference room so she could pretend to present a case. She loved her job, but not enough to stay and try cases. She would rather spend months in a Tuscan villa in the Valley with 20 other women, several who have never read a book. When she isn’t working she loves to dance and vacuum rooms at a local hotel.
  • Danielle owns a few nail salons. She realized her calling after getting a hangnail at the junior prom. She has unreasonably long hair extensions.
  • A girl from Canada without a name I can remember teaches special needs kids.
  • Josephine, a 24-year-old emotionally delayed nurse from Santa Cruz knows it takes a certain guy to handle her energy and obsession with her cat.
  • Raven dreamt her whole life of owning a depressing peasant top boutique in one of the least populated towns in the middle of America.
  • Corinne is a 24 year old “business woman” running a “multi-million dollar business” from her parent’s bedroom in Miami. She employs a nanny to bring her bowls of cucumber.
  • Alexis is from New Jersey. She wears sumo-wrestling outfits to pick up tampons at the CVS. She has a hard time seeing herself without someone who shares her weird obsession for dolphins.
  • Danielle is a 30-year-old nurse from Nashville with untoned legs and several tattoos. She hopes to find love with someone who balances out her boring personality.
  • Taylor just graduated with her masters but has put off her burgeoning career as a receptionist in a therapy office to find love. She is bi-racial and loves to roller blade.
  • Elizabeth is 29, a doula, and boned Nick at her friend Jade’s wedding months ago. Nick has no memory of her or the night he poked her.

The limos began to pull up. Nick was immediately taken with the nail salon owner’s rack. Taylor wanted him to know her friends worried he was a complete piece of shit. Danielle fed him maple syrup off her shaky fingers. Raven did a hawk call. Josephine offered him a hot dog as her terrible hair extensions waved in the wind. Alexis wore a shark suit.

  • Elizabeth is a 24-year-old marketing manager from Dallas. She wore a wedding gown.
  • Christen, a 25-year-old wedding videographer brought a Disney princess fan.
  • Kristina, a 24-year-old former orphan from Russia cleans teeth.
  • Angela is a 26-year-old model.
  • Lauren, a 30-year-old law school graduate noted her last name was hussy, which made their combined names salute disgusting sluts all over the world.
  • 16, Michelle, a 24-year-old food truck owner hoped to make lemonade.
  • Dominique was ready for love and to stop working shifts at the restaurant in Los Angeles.
  • Ida Marie wore a crop top and performed a trust fall.
  • Olivia, a 25-year-old sales rep from Alaska offered him her fur coat.
  • Sarah, a 26 year old grade schoolteacher jazzercises her way into his arms.
  • Jasmine from San Francisco is a professional basketball dancer and wears a size 5 diamond ring.
  • Hailey from Vancouver is a photographer and wanted him to know she was sexual.
  • Astrid explained to him in German that she had real jugs.
  • Jaimi primarily tucked her nose ring balls into her nostrils.
  • Susannah fondled his beard.
  • Brittany, a 26-year-old travel nurse, gave him a prostate exam.
  • Lacey, 25, rode in on a camel.

TIME

They were all perplexed by the shark costume. Most of them regretted wearing red.

Corrine collected tokens she offered him in a burlap sack. Vanessa pretended as if she had never watched the show, suggesting someone else filled out her show application. Just as she was about to kiss Nick Corinne and her weave walked around the corner. “May I interrupt?” she asked. She shoved her tongue down his throat, which the others argued was probably a little too fast. Wouldn’t you wait at least 24 hours before letting him know you are willing to sleep with him? The fantasy suite isn’t for another seven weeks at the very least.

Jasmine began to cry in the backyard late into the night. Although she had performed under pressure at the Golden State warrior games, the mental anguish she experienced not getting enough of his attention was more than she could take. The women tried to break up the monotony by throwing grapes down the dolphin/shark’s mouth. It concerned Nick that Alexis couldn’t tell the difference between a shark and a dolphin. It also concerned him that she seemed inebriated and probably had a horrible body beneath the costume. “Don’t take it off,” he urged her. “Seriously, keep it on.”

Nick admitted to Liz that he did remember her from Jade’s wedding. “I just didn’t want you to think I was here just because you are the Bachelor,” she explained. He noted, however, that he had not heard from her in 11 months. It wasn’t until she watched Bachelor of Paradise that she realized her wedding one-night stand was maybe worth it. He may have wanted to bone her 5 minutes into a slow dance in the middle of the dance floor, but he insisted he wasn’t the sleaze bag he’d been portrayed as on camera over several seasons. She should have called.

Nick asked a nurse if she works in a hospital. He offered Rachel the attorney who was now jobless a first impression rose.

ROSE CEREMONY

Kristina began to weep. They all gathered in the foyer for the red rose ceremony.

Roses were given to Vanessa, the nail salon owner, the wedding videographer, the girl who spoke German about her boobs, Corinne, the marketing girl from Dallas, the professional basketball dancer, Raven, the dental hygienist Kristina, the nurse with zero personality, the elementary school teacher from Newport wearing running sneakers, the nut bag with bad hair extensions, the shark, Lacey, Taylor, Hailey, Whitney, the restaurant server, the girl with the nose ball rings, Brittany, and Liz received roses. The others ensured the tags were still inside their gowns so they could return them once they returned home. Several wailed in the limousine on the way home.

Nick assured them he would offer them a great adventure in the coming weeks. Liz stared at him in the background like someone who regularly spent time outside their former lover’s closed bedroom window.

NEXT WEEK:

Corinne explains she has a platinum lady pocket, Nick gets slapped, everyone is pissed Nick has already slept with Liz, and Nick sheds several tears in a frozen tundra.

The Bachelor, Recap, Nick, Liz, Raven

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

2 Comments

  1. pam odom

    January 5, 2017 at 3:21 pm

    Of course the one night stand woman was going to make sure she told the whole group that she’s already done up Nick.

  2. Pingback: Monday Night Tea – Open Chat, Gossip Links, What’s On Reality TV Tonight – TalkToChelynn | The Globe's #1 Media Network

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