Show Recaps

The Bachelor Recap: Kelsey is Probably Crazy

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What you missed last night on The Bachelor.

SANTA FE

Chris stood silent in a field of hot hair balloons. He had come to Santa Fe to find some new answers. After weeks of group dates and cocktail parties was he any closer to finding the woman that would appear with him on a cover of US Weekly?

Chris Harrison notified the women they would be joining Chris in New Mexico to the delight of 24-year old makeup artist Megan. “I have never been out of the country,” she explained. “I can’t wait to be on a beach resort where everyone wears a sombrero.” She had also hoped she would learn new songs and perhaps learn a new language, something she could take back to her friends at the Clinique counter at Dillard’s.

SEXUAL HEALING

Jade informed Carly the first one-on-one date of the trip would be for Carly and that it would result in she and Chris coming together. Later that evening Carly met Chris at a hacienda where a woman wearing a robe and feather earrings welcomed them named Tziporah, an intimacy mentor. But instead of hosting a pleasure party she had them take part in sexual exercises to help them explore if they have physical chemistry. So the Iowa farmer and the cruise ship singer were cleansed with sage and then asked to exhale loudly. But the couple began to get uncomfortable after Tziporah (who also sells tie-dye bandanas at the Santa Monica flea market on the weekends) encouraged them to “excite each other’s senses” by blindfolding one another and letting their partner rub chocolate all over the lips, caress each other’s genitalia without actually tugging, disrobing, and then mounting one another and breathing heavily on the other’s ear lobes. “I feel uncomfortable,” Carly whispered. “Tell me what your bodies are telling you,” Tziporah asked. “My body is telling me to tuck my boner underneath my waist band and take a bathroom break,” Chris thought. They would recollect themselves later and enjoy a glass of wine beside the fire. Carly’s biggest fear was that she would never find someone to reciprocate her love. (DEAR ABC: Make this girl your next Bachelorette). Chris had concerns a woman might not actually like living in the middle of a farm in the middle of nowhere with no Wi-Fi or a anyone to deliver takeout.

HE DIED

Kelsey explained to the girls back at the mansion how she had become a widow, which seemed strange to Ashley since they had technically been together as a harem for 5 weeks. Her husband had been walking to work on a “beautiful crisp day” when he collapsed. “I think they call it something to do with your heart like convict or convince — uh, congestive heart filter, I mean failure…. “Darlin’, such is life.” Her husband died and she had somehow pulled her act together quickly and applied to be on a national dating show.

RAFTING

On the group date they all went white water rafting to the dismay of Jade who suffers from a physical condition that causes hypothermia in otherwise normal conditions. But she felt like there was a chance they could potentially at some point stand together on a bridge and promise to be together, so she got in the raft and ultimately lost all feeling in her legs for a few hours.

JORDAN

Later that evening the woman all suited up in their leather jackets and made their way to a lounge so they could enjoy cocktails with Chris, but before he could reach them he was stopped by a familiar face. Jordan, who was eliminated a few shows ago remerged sober and begging to be given a second chance. She didn’t want to bother Chris, but pointed out she had driven 8 hours from Colorado hopped up on Adderall and Mountain Dew so she could explore if they really had a future. Chris was unsure. He could barely remember any conversation he had with Jordan before her elimination, but he did know that when he was around her she smelled like a block of cheese that had been marinating in a glass of gin. The other women were infuriated. They had not given up an additional two weeks of phone and television privileges so they could let some nut bag steal their boyfriend. In the end he let Jordan go. He provided the one rose available on a serving platter to Whitney who had been so encouraging when he needed answers. Ashley was not happy. She went back to her room and cried until part of her fake eyelashes started to fall off.

BRITTLE

Chris planned a hot air balloon ride for his last one on one date. He awoke Britt at 4:30 am to take her on an adventure that he would only describe, as the sky was the limit. The previous night Britt had confessed to Carly that she had an issue with heights that paralyzed with fear. If God forbid he wanted to, let’s say, go up stairs or visit the Grand Canyon she’d go into shakes and need to be hospitalized. But that morning a different Britt appeared. Sure, she was still the same girl that didn’t shower regularly and slept in full hair and glitter makeup, but now she was strangely excited to get in a basket and fly in the air. She was suddenly eager to give birth to several babies, even though she had said on previous occasions she’d never considered pushing a baby out of her vagina. Chris was taken with this version of the waitress from West Hollywood and chose to spend the rest of the morning taking a “nap” unclothed underneath the sheets at the Marriott Santa Fe.

Britt was eager to share the news with the other contestants who started to wonder how the man they had spent a few hours with over the course of 5 weeks could be capable of carrying on a physical relationship with someone else. Kelsey took the initiative to go up a floor to Chris’ room so she could allow him the opportunity to get to know her even better by finally explaining how her previous relationship culminated with her husband dropping dead on a sidewalk. Chris felt bad so he embraced her. Kelsey appreciated the gesture so she thanked him by shoving her tongue down his throat. Later in a confessional she would ask for confirmation from producers and the general viewing audience. “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic but it’s amazing. I love my story. This is a show about Chris, but this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship. And I’m so glad the first kiss is something that can be written in the story books.”

Editorial note: Kelsey, it should be noted, is employed as a guidance counselor. 

CRAZY KELSEY

At the cocktail party Kelsey confessed she had spent time alone with Chris and that this decision he was about to make was not one he was taking lightly. “Time is so important, value the ones that you love,” she explained while Britt caressed her arm, “I hate that I have to say goodbye to someone tonight.” Everyone was confused. Did Chris tell her who would be eliminated?

Chris walked into the room and promptly left in a fit of mini tears. Chris Harrison explained that it had been an emotional week for Chris and though he knew what he wanted to do and he was going to do it there would be no cocktail party tonight. Megan, who was still under the impression they were at a beach resort in a foreign country, broke her glass in her hand. “So you mean there will be no more alcohol?”

But more importantly it set Kelsey into spins. We are left with the sight of Kelsey sobbing on a tile floor in a possible panic-ish attack. As the medic applied her oxygen mask to be continued appeared across the screen.

Editorial note: It is my belief Kelsey’s previous husband Sanderson is currently in the witness protection program. I recommend him for the next season of The Bachelor. 

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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