Show Recaps

The Bachelor Recap: Everyone Hates Krystal

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This week on The Bachelor Arie took a date on a motorcycle ride to a mansion where she was styled by Rachel Zoe, Krystal flew to Scottsdale, the others participated in a drag race, and Bibiana became enraged.

HIS WIFE

Chris Harrison appeared in the foyer of the rental mansion to inform one lucky woman she would be trapped alone all day with a man she barely knew. “You know,” he reminded them, “just one of you will be Arie’s wife.” It was helpful information in the event some of the contestants were under the impression this was a show about starting a polygamous family.

The women swooned when Arie walked through the door in Jonas brother jeans and a leather jacket. One of the contestants cried softly once her name was not announced. “I have had many friends lose limbs in motorcycle accidents, so it was a good thing he didn’t choose me.”

BECCA

Becca, a woman with tall legs and low body fat was told she would be given the opportunity to choose a gown from the Rachel Zoe Collection, clothes made for sample sized women by the very own Rachel Zoe. “I like them all,” said Arie who later presented her with a beaten up trunk containing a new pair of spiked Louboutins. “This is more than I could ever imagined,” said Becca. “It’s not over yet,” he assured her. To top off the free clothes and shoes, she would also get to wear Neil Lane jewels that would be promptly taken once filming a dinner scene ended. They pretended to eat dinner, agreed they were #blessed to have come from tight families, and seemed to be completely oblivious to the fact they looked like siblings. Becca got a rose.

It should be noted Becca’s last serious relationship lasted seven years. She was 27. So basically you have dated one person, he thought to himself.

KRYSTAL

For his second one-on-one date he flew Krystal, an exercise coach back to Scottsdale, Arizona where he lives in a leather covered townhouse decorated in several shades of brown. After giving a compelling tour of the Pizza Hut where he once worked and his high school they spent hours pouring through his picture albums and watching his old family movies, which depicted his childhood as near perfect. Afterwards they drove to meet his parents, sweet people who were also aware on some cellular level that they would probably never see this woman again. “You have been married 36 years,” asked Krystal, “I am sure it wasn’t all rainbows.” Arie’s father leaned in slowly and pointed out at some point you have to ask yourself if it was all worth it. “Aren’t my parents great?” he asked her as she muffled tears. Later that night she would admit to him her parents were divorced, her brother was now homeless, she never felt loved as a child, and the only gift she ever received was a comforter she bought for herself. “Today was unreal,” Arie told her as he held her in his arms and swung her back and forth. “I love your story,” he told her as someone named Connor sang a love ballad. Krystal got a rose.

DRAG RACE

On the group date Arie took the women to drag race. “Yeah, we are going to race cars,” said no one. Annalise admitted to an emotional breakdown, triggered by a childhood memory of being repeatedly hit while doing bumper cars at a low-budget amusement park. “I don’t want to do this,” she told Arie and producers. “Nonsense!” Arie exclaimed, “It will be fine.” Seinne managed to be the last contestant with a working engine. She was given a rose.

COCKTAILS

At the cocktail party Bibiana was pushed into a mental wall, Bekah and Arie nearly swallowed each other’s faces, and Chelsea was given a rose after she admitted she was a mother. “We have all made sacrifices,” Bibiana shouted at Chelsea after she shared with the others Arie finally knew she was legally responsible for a child.

Arie checked in with Brittany, a woman with gigantic breasts who had suffered injuries the previous day during the drag race competition. He gifted her with a most hardcore award, a non-existent award printed from the Spencer Gifts catalog. Bekah wore a mink and used it as padding when he dry humped her in the front of the mansion.

EVERYONE HATES KRYSTAL

Krystal felt confident. As she pointed out, most of the contestants were weird, too young, or just a horrible match for the man she had convinced herself was to one day be her husband. As Bibiana explained it, she lacked the moral compass to become friends with any of the other contestants after her abhorrent behavior. “You have a rose,” she tried to explain, “so why is it necessary to interrupt other dates?”

Producers forced Bibiana and Krystal to stand beside her eachother in the cocktail line up despite Bibiana’s overarching desire to slit her throat with a broken champagne glass.

After a pointless monologue about his inability to spend much time with the women he kicked Valerie, Lauren G. and Jenny off the show.

There are still two Laurens on this show.

NEXT WEEK:

Sexual wrestling.

The Bachelor Recap, Krystal, Rachel Zoe, Drag Race, Becca, Bekah

 

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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