Reality TV Stars

The Bachelor Recap: The Disney Princess And The Virgin

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This is what you missed last night on The Bachelor.


Samantha, Juelia, Megan, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Kaitlyn, and the Ashleys (Kardashleyian and Space Cadet) are invited to “do what feels natural” for their group date. When it is assumed that means going without makeup or visible extensions chaos breaks out within Bachelorette mansion. Can you plug a curling iron into a tree? Later when they arrive at a pond somewhere in suburban Los Angeles the girls are challenged to enjoy themselves while standing around in a bikini in the sweltering heat. Kelsey, though a woman of natural non-makeup beauty can’t withhold her contempt for having to spend the day with a bunch of “bimbos,” especially once Chris reveals they will all spend the night camping.  (Editorial note: Once the producers explained I would need to camp I would ask to leave the show).

Later that night they would roast marshmallows, swill whiskey, and sing campfire songs while Chris took each woman into the shrubs to spend quality time. Kaitlyn, who had earlier that day removed the bottoms to her bikini, would garner an early-week red rose by pretending she was interested in his emotional needs should they move forward in a romantic relationship. Ashley S. would continue to confuse Chris with her talk about life forms in other galaxies. “What are you? I know that you are a Scorpio, but I am not talking about that. I hope that resonates in your mind tonight. I’ll let you go, but not let you go.” Ashley I. worries she is not making enough of an impression so she explains to Chris she is a conservative woman, which is confusing because she removes the top to her bikini while swimming and then awakes him from a midnight slumber with a heavy make out party.


The women that were left behind got the chance to meet Chris’ three sisters who had made the trip so they could weed out potential gold diggers, fame seekers, or sociopaths. Their surprise visit kept the women from physically preparing, so they were forced to meet them in their loungewear. Jillian made a lasting impression by wearing an ill-fitted bathing suit and then explaining without reservation that she wasn’t exactly sure what direction she was going in life. Carly, the cruise ship singer was thrilled to meet Chris’ relatives though she had no clue one of his sisters lived year-round in foreign country. (Way to pay attention, Carly!) Jade was rewarded for her sincere interview by receiving a one-on-one date.


Disney’s marketing team behind the forthcoming Cinderella movie arranged for Chris and Jade to have the kind of date every 8 year old girl obsessed with ball gowns and plastic shoes could dream of. Jade was treated like a character in a children’s book by giving her a team of stylists and a few mice to help her choose a dress made from curtains, jewelry from the Claire’s Boutique Haute Couture Collection, and Lucite heels. Her hair was pulled back into a spring formal arrangement and free earrings from a jeweler looking to get some free publicity dangled from her lobes. She was whisked away in a luxury vehicle and dropped off at a building with steep steps. Her Prince Farming awaited at the top of the stairs in a custom made suit his fraternity brothers would surely enjoy. They danced in box steps, had some turkey legs, drank some grape juice, and when the clock struck nearly midnight Jade was reminded she needed to get back to Bachelorette headquarters. Ashley I. (Kardashleyian) reminded viewers the date would have been better suited for her because she was in fact a real Disney princess. (It should be noted, again, Ashley has never had a really boyfriend and I suspect this could be why).


The remaining ladies were awarded with boxes of cheap wedding dresses and sent on a private plane for a romantic mission. Sadly they were told their new gowns would need to be worn for a mud race, the winner receiving a special dinner in San Francisco. Jillian lapped the competition becoming the first winner of the Desperation Games. After a dinner spent discussing her diet, fitness regime, and love of dirty jokes Chris opted to keep the red rose and send her on her way. Apparently her thought provoking question about whether he would rather have sex with a homeless woman covered in birds versus abstaining didn’t go over so well.


Ashley I. worried Chris still doesn’t understand her so she made sure to let him know she is a virgin. “Her mouth is not a virgin,” Carly pointed out. Becca’s admission she was also a virgin only set her further into crazy town. Britt revealed to Chris that although she thought she was a front runner she was starting to have her doubts because he had dry humped so many other contestants. Chris became unsettled and let the women know that if they were under the impression he was there for any reason other than a) finding a wife b) solidifying a spot on an upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars or c) getting a two-page spread in a monthly farming magazine they were free to leave.


Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I., and Britt were given flowers.  Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S. were told they must vacate the premises.

Side note: Who is Samantha? 


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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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