Show Recaps

The Bachelor Recap: Bye Bye Bimini

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This week on The Bachelor the women were whisked to Bimini, Corinne tried to bone Nick, and he let Katrina go. 

BYE BYE BIMINI

10 Observations From The Bachelor This Week

  1. Nick met with the remaining contestants to notify them that he was into at least 75% of them. “I’ve been close to this before, but now I am going to go the whole way.” They all let out a collective blast of gas with the threat of him leading them all on no longer weighing so heavily on their malnourished shoulders. He rewarded their patience by letting them know producers would be taking them to Bimini, which most of them thought was a bikini store for petite sizes and not necessarily another island.
  2. Vanessa was whisked off on a solo date, which gave her the opportunity to quiz Nick about his devotion. “I know you are only as happy as the person least happy in the relationship,” she explained, which basically meant they were in the worst relationship in history. How happy can you be if you have to split up your time with several emotionally insecure women? Despite the fact, as Corinne explained, that Vanessa lacked a personality she did manage to dry hump him while snorkeling. “How many times can she mention she works with special needs kids?” asked Corinne. Maybe she’s be more interesting if she still lived with her parents or had a middle-aged woman prepare her garbage food?
  3. Vanessa was disappointed Nick wouldn’t say he was falling in love with her. Here’s the deal, he explained. I’m dating a bunch of other broads, so I want to keep those three words set aside for the women whom I stay engaged to for longer than reasonable. That woman, by the way, probably won’t be on the show.
  4. Katrina, Corinne, and Raven were concerned their group date would be spent swimming with sharks. “If I see a shark I am going to punch him in his face,” said Raven. Nick wasn’t all that worried pivoting his attention to rubbing suntan lotion over their bodies while wearing Lily Pulitzer shorts. Katrina, who had spent her childhood in a Russian orphanage, exited the water. She clung to Nick as they stood together on the boat. “I think he’s falling for her act,” noted Corinne. “It’s just,” Katrina stammered, “the sharks remind me of my homeland.” Nick held her reminding himself to locate Russia on a world map when he had some spare time later that day. “Here’s to not being chewed up by Jaws,” Nick toasted, and they all clung plastic glasses.
  5. While Nick met with each woman to assess their future, Corinne ate a plate of cheese. (Which, by the way, did nothing for her digestive system).
  6. I am pretty sure Nick is always wasted.
  7. Nick gave a rose to Raven. They were serenaded by Scott Baio’s nephew who had to replay his one hit wonder several times for production purposes. Corinne and the Russian orphan were left alone in a rental mansion.
  8. Danielle and Nick had a solo date. They rode bikes and compared legs. “You are fun to have fun with,” said Nick. He couldn’t say much more. He sent her home. Corinne waved her champagne glass as a salute.
  9. Corinne visited Nick’s suite after hours noting she had a platinum vagine he would like to dip into. He rejected her moves, noting he had at least four other women he was dating and therefore needed to keep his peen in check. “I am glad we got to hang out,” he told her. She zipped up her pleather pants and took a horse walk back to her footage.
  10. Kristina was disheartened with his choice to let her go. “I really wanted it to work between us,” said Katrina. She also didn’t want to go back home and do dental cleanings.

NEXT WEEK:

Nick is still confused.

The Bachelor, Recap, Bimini

Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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