15 Bachelor Premiere Observations: Arie Ever After
There at the Westlake Village Inn, home to all Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants an older gent named Arie with salt and pepper hair and the enthusiasm of a man about to get electrocuted stared off into the distance. He was hopeful he would find love, though the experience on this show nearly half a decade ago had emotionally crippled him. He had never “connected” with a woman the way he did with the woman who dumped him for a petite water salesman. Watching his younger brother get married and other Bachelor contestants procreate had taught him shit or get off the pot. At some point he would need to give him up chasing girls in bars and at sorority houses and find a wife. This was his only opportunity.
Here are my observations from the season premiere of The Bachelor.
THE BACHELOR: ARIE EVER AFTER
- Arie is no longer racing cars; he now sells condos and split-level homes somewhere in Arizona.
- A crazed single mother from Portland, Maine named Chelsea was confident he would embrace her child because he almost got engaged to another woman with a daughter on national television several years ago.
- Most of the contestants are named Lauren because according to data from the Social Security Administration the name was listed as one of the most popular girls names of the 90s.
- Caroline has experienced unusual real estate success in the eight months since she became an agent, but gave it all up to pursue love with a stranger on a romance reality television show. Although she sells homes in Fort Lauderdale, Florida she still has time (but not the qualifications) to show young couples with a new baby a multi-million dollar bayside home on Balboa Island in Newport Beach, California.
- Maquel, a wedding photographer from Utah with Rapunzel length hair extensions greeted Arie in a racecar loaner given to her by producers. They did not include film footage of her early taking out a tree and a mailbox.
- A nurse with the body of a twig and breasts the size of Pamela Anderson spoke of her love for blood.
- A woman from an Arkansas town named as an homage to hot dogs pretended she wasn’t using this show in an effort to become an Instagram star.
- A contestant claimed to have a job as a social media manager, which is essentially posting pics for a local clothing boutique or cryotherapy office.
- In a shock to no one there were contestants who played ukulele songs about dead animals, a contestant who shoved her armpit in his face, a lady who gave Arie an at home pedicure, one that spoke about her love of feeding the homeless, several who appeared to be high on pills, and at least two who were over served alcohol.
- Proving what is one of a mother’s greatest fears, a contestant named Bekah gave up her job as their nanny to become a contestant on this show.
- Someone gifted Arie with a gratitude rock; a pebble sanded down to mirror their broken dreams and scribbled on with a crayon from the hotel lobby.
- One contestant explained to Arie that her deceased father remembered meeting him and would enjoy watching them get married from heaven’s gates.
- Several women secretly devised plans to off Chelsea after Arie handed her the long stem first impression grocery store rose.
- After the last rose was given the remaining contestants wept as they added up in their head the money they had spent on prom gowns, injections, hair weaves, professional makeup, designer shoes, and lost wages. Would their jobs still be there when they got back? Would their boyfriends make peace with the way they lied about “traveling” for a few weeks? Would they regret trying to get their name trademarked or hiring a personal publicist?
- Arie promised them weeks of adventure. As they clinked champagne glasses the sun had already risen.
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