Reality TV Stars
My Bachelor Contestant Bio From 2002
Next month 25 women will compete to “maybe” get engaged to ABC’s newest Bachelor Chris Soules, a farmer from Arlington, Iowa (population: 427). Soules secured his position after the previous Bachelorette Andi Dorfman dumped him after he confessed to her that he had fallen in love. (Welcome to our world, friend). The new season begins in January and ABC has released the bios of the current contestants.
I have deduced the average age of a Bachelor contestant is 25 years old. Their occupations include nanny, former NFL cheerleader, and Cadaver Tissue Saleswoman (which doesn’t sounds remotely depressing).
Every season I try to envision myself at the same age vying for the attention of a man who will probably use the show as an opportunity to secure a spot on an upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars.
I was 25 years old the year The Bachelor launched. Maybe if I had played my cards right I would be married right now to a man who would become a spokesperson for Match.com and Princess Cruises.
This is what my bio would have said in the year 2002.
Occupation: Media consultant for the legal industry.
Hometown: West Chester, PA
Can’t live without: sunscreen, eyeliner, tampons, and magazines.
Biggest date fear: He will want to go to the beach, and therefore I will have to wear a bathing suit.
I love it when my date: Pays the bill.
I hate it when my date: Eats anything with mayonnaise, is rude to the waiter, drinks zinfandel or chardonnay, or wears loafers without socks.
If you could be any animal, what would you be? Is this a real question? This isn’t the form for Miss USA, is it?
If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings? I would go to Paris and buy fancy clothes and drink expensive champagne. I mean, err, I would give most of it to charity.
What’s your most embarrassing moment? Peeing my pants on the curb outside the Burger King in Paoli, PA in 1995 because I was laughing too hard.
If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do? Discuss made-for-TV movies of the 90s, reenact my Taylor Dayne dance routine from the 5th grade, perform a montage of Debbie Gibson, Paula Abdul, and Barry Manilow’s greatest hits, or show him how I can spit between my front teeth (editorial note: I have since repaired the divide).
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