Real Housewives of Orange County

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Apologize

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This week on the season finale of Real Housewives of Orange County Shannon threw a carbohydrate party for Tamra, Vicki tried to apologize, and Kelly screamed at Heather.

CARBOHYDRATES

Although Shannon despised Vicki she was willing to invite her to her carbohydrate party for the sake of Tamra. They had a long history of loathing each other from afar but enjoying one another when intoxicated and on housewives related trips. Shannon explained that if she had her way she would never allow Vicki and Kelly to attend her party, which seemed unlikely given, she was the one hosting the season finale party. “I think she is the devil,” David said of Vicki, but noted he would also support Tamra if she wanted Vicki on the guest list. “I will try to keep my mouth shut,” he said, which seemed believable because he normally walked through life as if he were wearing a dog collar and worried he was getting too close to the invisible fence.

TO APOLOGIZE OR NOT APOLOGIZE

While the others had professional hair and makeup teams attend to their needs Vicki scribbled apology cards from her home office desk.

Although you are also horrible people in your own way, I apologize for being completely honest about what I shared with Kelly. In time I hope that we will laugh about this while doing high kicks and jazz hands on the bar of Andales in my second home of Puerto Vallarta. Love, Vicki

At the Dodd home Meghan and Kelly shared a plate of cheese and reminisced about the season while Kelly’s breasts swayed in the wind. Neither had spoken much to the women since the trip to Ireland. Kelly knew she had to apologize to Tamra for saying terrible things about her daughter, but she had hoped Tamra would apologize for trying to give her alcohol poisoning. They agreed Heather was an interloper and a meddler of sorts, though she does it with the calculation of someone who works for an intelligence agency. For Meghan Heather’s antics in Ireland were a bit of a fall from grace. Michael who would be performing later in an off Broadway production of the King and I wondered what it was about Kelly that made Heather so crazed. “I believe it is the way she gives low jabs,” Meghan explained, “like telling women they have facial hair.” 

THE PARTY

Although Tamra was a follower of Jesus she thought often about strangling Vicki. Eddie, whom Vicki had suggested was a cheater and a member of the Barry Manilow fan club encouraged Tamra to move forward and then gifted her with her first pair of Christian Louboutins.

Terry only agreed to come to the party because Tamra won her fitness contest, otherwise he would have rather sold skincare products on television.

After devouring a donut from the collapsed donut display Tamra’s spiritual mentor and trainer Mia reminded her applications were now being accepted for Miss Miami Barbells and Cleveland’s Mrs. Weight Training Americana. She also noted she would be training for her own comeback on the fitness bikini circuit, which was why she was only drinking mineral water laced with steroids.

OH, VICKI

In the days before the party Vicki had extended herself by sending Tamra a video of Eddie congratulating on her stage after her win. Tamra thought momentarily about sending back a response #NotSoGay but rethought it because she was distracted by her starvation diet. She also thought it made more sense to confront her on screen after gifting her with a tank top with her face and the inscription liar across the bottom. Since Vicki had taken several online self-help courses she understood this was Tamra’s attempt at stoking a reaction. Shannon stoked reactions by ordering double tequilas, and Tamra did it with passive aggressive messages on workout gear. “Oh, Tamra, this is terrific!” Vicki exclaimed and then searched for a high five. DAMN IT, Tamra thought. She’s good, she’s real good. Kelly was also unaffected by her tank top highlighting her past experiences with public drunkenness. DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE ANY SHAME?

ONE LAST TRY

Kelly tried one last time to apologize to Shannon for old times sake, but they were quickly dismissed. How can one forgive someone for announcing on television previous domestic issues when you’ve filmed such delightful vow renewals? Kelly reminded everyone that she was only passing on information provided to her over chardonnay and roast chicken entrees with Vicki. Heather, as always, offered her own opinion, which Kelly quickly noted, was of no importance to her or anyone else in the entire world.

As the women argued the men watched in silence. At least one ate a meatball. Vicki’s boyfriend almost fell asleep at the bar.

BREAK DOWN

Kelly reminded everyone Heather had suggested she was in the midst of a mental break down. “I stand by that,” said Heather. Then as Vicki tried to duck away to grab a spare rib Heather whispered to her in a demonic voice not to move.

Vicki thought it better if she leaves. She’d grown cold, they had run out of Malibu rum, and she had a conference call back at Coto Insurance. Shannon, however, didn’t want her to leave without a good fight. She wanted an apology, which Vicki reminded her was enclosed in a letter on top of a housewarming gift Shannon had thrown in an empty fireplace. They agreed it was better if they never spoke again, which of course means until the first episode of next season, which probably begins filming shortly. Vicki grabbed the arms of Briana and her boyfriend and left quietly but not before reminding everyone that she was “worried” about Shannon. #Chills

UPDATES

  • Back inside Kelly looked at Michael and caressed his face. She knew she highlighted to the world that they had suffered from pretty bad marriage problems, called him Hitler, and then called him an over-drinker, but she was happy their relationship was back on track. They considered a vow renewal, which as everyone knows is the reality TV Hail Mary pass.
  • Meghan moved back to her 2nd home real home in St. Louis where she can give birth to a daughter this winter. (She revealed via a cake cutting ceremony that she was having a girl, which we had already known from one of her OBGYN appointments this season).
  • Tamra is happy watching her son Ryan restore his relationship with Sarah, whom he met on Instagram. She is considering more pageants and is happy to report makes out with Eddie on a regular basis.
  • Heather is still building her chateau.
  • Shannon is trying to cope with life in a $25,000 a month rental while looking for a suitable home with David and the kids. David still speaks with a small voice.
  • Vicki is still dating the boyfriend she claimed sent her flowers in Ireland. Briana finally got a health diagnosis and only lives ten minutes away from her mother, which sometimes makes her question if she should move back to Oklahoma.

NEXT WEEK:

The reunion.

Real Housewives of Orange County, Recap, Apologize, Vicki, Heather, Shannon, Kelly

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