An Open Letter From Kris Jenner’s Lips to Kris Jenner

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Dear Kris,

Can we talk? I know you’ve got a busy day, but I think we can both agree that the shit just hit the fan. Have you looked at me?

I told you this whole lip-plumping thing might go south. You couldn’t have at least tried rubbing me with cinnamon and some Vaseline? What about face yoga? There was nothing wrong with me! I looked great in a matte lipstick or a sheer gloss. I could pick up a flute and play it with ease. I enjoyed drinking from a glass of wine. Now look at me. It’s like the Grinch Stole Christmas in Calabasas. You think I could gnaw on a turkey leg in this condition? Not to kick you will you are down, but Ben from the Bachelor will not be pleased either.

Get that plastic surgeon on the horn and find out what we need to do to fix this mess. I am sure Kim has him on speed dial. What if I soak in some salt water? Bruce said he soaks his ankles in salt water to bring down the swelling. See if that works.

I just feel like I can’t breath. I mean, am I getting bigger?


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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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