90-Day Fiance

90 Day Fiance Recap: Machete

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This week on 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days, Abby had to decide on her future with Sean and Chris, Antonio ogled other women, Karine was mugged by a man with a machete, and Darcey agreed to give up drinking. 

SEAN VERSUS CHRIS

POISONOUS

Chris, 64, flew to Haiti to meet his 20 year-old paramour’s 47-year-old boyfriend. Though they had only dated a few months, Sean was uncomfortable moving forward without having the confidence Abby and Chris were no longer physically intimate. As Sean sat staring at a restaurant place mat adding up all the money he spent on underwear in his head, Abby was caressing Chris’ hand in a cab. “I am on my best behavior,” the AARP member whispered in her ear. “I am so sorry about your rash,” he said with a smirk. She immediately reflected on the moment a voodoo priestess warned her to be more transparent and to bathe herself in rubbing alcohol and sticks. “That’s just scabies,” he assured her. It was just a case of a skin infestation caused by a mite burrowed several layers into her skin, and not a sexually transmitted disease.

When they arrived at the restaurant it was clear Abby had not been totally honest about the nature of her relationship with a man old enough to be her grandfather. She had said they met online, but Chris insisted their eyes met across the room at a coffee house. “How long are you staying?” Sean asked Chris. He had intended to stay until the weekend, long enough for Abby to drop off Sean in departures and then make sweet love to him until his flight returned to The Dominican Republic.

“I do not want you and Abby having a relationship,” said Sean. “I think you’re poisonous.” Chris took a deep breath and with the tone of a serial killer noted he was leaving. “May I see your phone?” Sean asked Abby. “I don’t look through your phone!” she replied. It was clear only one of them was likely engaging in textual relations, and all signs did not point to the middle aged man. “My gut tells me Chris is using Abby as a sex toy,” said Sean. He was also beginning to see that the sky was blue and grass is green. “You don’t trust me,” said Abby as she grabbed her purse and fled through the front door of the restaurant. Chris was unwilling to fight with Sean. He was clearly there to use Abby as a sex toy, but also had a weak hip and limited mobility in his shoulder.

As Sean stood on a quiet street against a dilapidated car he told Abby she was to choose one man. She could only have one man with inevitable urinary issues. How do you say goodbye to a man who is possibly hopped up on Viagra pills? Who would buy her lingerie for resale? What if they both left? Would she be able to find another man on Ourtime.com? “The thing is I think she loves him more than me,” said Sean, “and part of me is willing to be okay with that.”

ANTONIO AND CORTNEY

OTHER WOMEN

Within hours of meeting Antonio she had already caught him texting several women. “How many women do you know named Maria?” she cried. While eating dinner he strained to look at the waitress as she cleaned queso off the floor. “Can you look at me?” she plead. “Oh, I am looking at her because I think I know her,” he responded. She had not spent hours circling her eyes with eyeliner for him to stare at a lady delivering tapas plates. She contained her anger when he pretended to be texting with his “sister” — whom he claimed to love delivery, but never shared personal information about his love life. “Does she know about me?” asked Cortney. “Of course she doesn’t know about you,” said Antonio. “But you have already spoken to my parents on FaceTime, and you said you wanted to impregnate me. Shouldn’t your sister know that you want me to grow your child in my uterus?” “No, we’re good,” he replied.

She was also uncomfortable with Antonio’s modeling photos, specifically one where he was naked and chained to an upholstered chair with handcuffs. “Are you in porn?” she asked. “I understand your country different,” he said in broken English. In other words, in Spain it’s fine to ogle over other women and to appear in advertisements for companies that sell lube. Maybe it’s best for you to find someone in the United States where couples aim to be in monogamous relationships where you show respect for each other by not poking other people’s junk.

“Are you my boyfriend?” she wrote via a translator app. “Me no understand English,” he replied. “I don’t know,” said Cortney, a modern day Nancy Drew. “I get the sense he has selective English because he never seems to respond quickly to answers regarding fidelity. When she went to the bathroom he slid his number to the waitress while she refilled salt and peppershakers.

PAUL AND KARINE

THE MACHETE

Since Karine was growing restless about an engagement it was time for Paul to come clean about his past. “I have something I need to tell you,” he told her as they sat down on a wet bench in the middle of the Amazon’s most dangerous wooden area. He was still out of breath from rollerblading.

“I’m a convicted criminal. I’ve been in jail.” For Karine, the daughter of an Amazonian police officer it was a surprise. He had not included the fact he had burned down his own home and had a restraining order from an ex-girlfriend against him in his online profile. Despite this she loved Paul and was willing to look beyond his past.

“You don’t deserve me,” he cried before doing a 500-meter dash into the jungle. When she found him he was standing beside the water. “Please don’t make me go into this water,” he whispered to himself. He hated himself, but maybe not enough to plunge into e-coli water. Karine walked back to the producers and was confronted by a thug wielding a machete demanding for her to hand over his cell phone. “She’s been mugged!” yelled a producer. Without anyway to communicate with Paul and frightened for her life she finally called it quits on their relationship.

No one was sure on the whereabouts of Paul, who had likely succumbed to bacterial infection from the dirt that had been residing underneath his fingertips.

DARCEY AND JESSE

DON’T DRINK

After a short nap in a hotel room Darcey met with Jesse in a neighborhood café. He made it clear to her that if she did not apologize for her drunkenness the previous evening they would have no future. “The control is too much sometimes,” said Darcey to a producer. However the moment she saw Jesse walk through the door with her suitcases in hand she had a change of heart.

“You must agree to never have a drink again,” he said before explaining that alcohol had ripped his own family apart. “I have never been so scared in my life.” It was a surprise that a man who had served time in the country’s military would find a middle-aged woman with three pinot grigios under her belt so distressing.

Darcey calmly agreed to never sip another glass of chilled rose or a hearty glass of cabernet after a long day to make her 24-year-old boyfriend happy. (Obviously she’d have a bottle of wine on the plane ride home). They held each other while other patrons tried to figure out if they were filming a commercial or a television movie.

NEXT WEEK:

Abby must make some decisions. Larry refuses to eat a pig.

90 Day Fiance Before 90 Days, Recap, Karine,Paul, Darcey, Jesse

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

5 Comments

  1. Janne

    October 2, 2017 at 10:32 am

    Thank you, Kate, for addressing the fingernail dirt. It’s been haunting me the entire season.
    Also: how f-ing crazy is it that he burned down his house? That kid is nuts.

    • Nil

      October 2, 2017 at 3:59 pm

      The reddit threads go deep on Paul. He may be posting as a woman who thinks Paul is a cool guy and you should give him a chance. Highly recommend investigating.

    • Carol H

      October 2, 2017 at 4:59 pm

      I don’t think the producers of the show should be including this troubled kid on the show. He needs to be in therapy, not on a show.

  2. Kim Fortier

    October 2, 2017 at 1:08 pm

    Jesse had his chance to run and he blew it.

  3. Lisa Buynak

    October 2, 2017 at 7:32 pm

    They all blow my mind. how desperate can the young girls be and miss cougar lloks older than 42. did anyone check for real ages?

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