Real Housewives of Dallas
Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Wine Whine Wine
This week on Real Housewives of Dallas Stephanie took Brandi back to her hometown in Oklahoma, Cary and Tiffany took a yoga class, and Leeanne threw a glass of wine at a table after a fight with Brandi.
It had been a long couple of weeks for Brandi. Her husband was always traveling, she found out she’d been kept away from her grandfather her entire life for no good reason, she was out of Jesus Juice (wine), the kids were wild, and her pets Sugar Bear and Playboy were shitting all over the house. She needed a vacation, but rather than going to a tropical destination Stephanie gave her a much more alluring offer. How about we go to the thriving metropolis that is Coweta, Oklahoma?
Set in a scenic spot between Tulsa and an empty log cabin off the freeway the city of Coweta is known for its general store that sells rubber bands, a walking trail around the town cemetery, and a tanning salon that also sells malt liquor. “I know you are having a hard time dealing with the fact your mother totally lied about her relationship with your grandpa, but it might make you feel better to see how I come from a loving and supportive tight-knit family.” Brandi took her offer.
Leeanne was also busy. She had been driving around town meeting with rich people to convince them to join charities as honorary chairs. “I know you have piles of cash,” she said to her friend Heidi. “So agree to be an honorary chair because this top knot is ripping back the skin on my face and I can barely breath.” She agreed and they laughed as they finished off a bottle of champagne in the middle of the afternoon. As Leeanne explained it her favorite charities were the ones serving dogs. After an episode at a veterinary office in 1954 she realized she needed to set a new path for herself as a champion of canine rights, as a mother of all dogs. She was saving lives, not like the kind you would save in a time of war or on the front lines of cancer research, but of ones exposed to chewing on frayed electrical cords. This passion was displayed at an SPCA Paw Cares event held in a jewelry store at an outdoor mall and hosted by a man wearing lip-gloss and a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory costume.
Tiffany was torn. It was not as if she hadn’t noticed the rest of the women loathed Leeanne, but she felt some loyalty to her since she got her a spot on the show. “You know she’s not the only person who does charity events in this town,” said Cary after a hot yoga class and drinks at a juice bar. While Tiffany understood this she also noted that going against her would equal social isolation. Pissing off Leeanne is like stoking a fire at a barbeque restaurant. Cary was unfazed. In the hierarchy of Dallas society the woman who repairs breast implants is six levels above someone who organizes tables and chairs at events. Tiffany needed her to understand that she had been in Los Angeles for 16 years. She was back in the City of Angels doing blow and modeling swimsuits when Leeanne started to get really crazy. While she appreciated her old friends rants she was also her own person and would make her own decisions about friendship. Cary left so she could go home and have sex with her husband.
Stephanie had enjoyed being home. Her parents laid out all of her old pictures, awards, and diplomas on the table to review. She had grown up in a quaint house with her sister Tiffanie who had never left their town. She thought Uber was a fast food restaurant. She used AAA to tow her car home after too many drinks at the pool hall. Her parent’s idea of getting wild was going to an earlier church service. It was these things that made her feel guilty for living in Dallas in a large home with a trash disposal and garage door opener. What had she done to deserve it all?
WINE WHINE WINE
You remember Marie? She was Leeanne’s friend who threw the charity event in her foyer. She’s the lady who asked Brandi to give her daughter dance lessons in the kitchen. You know, the lady with the long arms and Jasmine hair? She threw another party. If there is one thing Marie loves it is a party. “Where you going?” Rich the police officer asked Leeanne as she applied makeup in their hall bathroom. “We women do this fun thing called a girl’s night out. We just go downtown and let our vaginas loose.” Rich wanted to crash the party but remembered there was a Home Improvement marathon TBS.
At the restaurant Stephanie and Brandi were surprised to see a young man standing beside the window. “Hello, are you missing someone? Did your parents forget you?” He was in fact 32 and his name was Taylor. He was Marie’s old pal from Fashionistas, a group of people who like to get together to talk about deals you can find at TJ Maxx. “Oh, have I got information for you,” said Taylor. He had known Leeanne for years but avoided her like black patent leather after Easter. “She’s an awful lady and one time shit her pants might I add.” Well, craptastic. There was nothing these two broads loved more than discussion about feces. “Excellent information,” they said before thanking him. But Leeanne who had too much to drink was stewing on the opposite side of the room. She tried to distract herself by listing all the ways the royal family would be jealous of anyone who lives in a city in the state of Texas. She turned to her friend and explained that she was too old for these shenanigans. She was an elder lady and demanded respect. But after Tiffany brought Leeanne and Brandi together to hash things out she immediately regretted pointing out their age difference. “Hello, ma’am, it’s nice to see you this evening,” said Brandi. “Did you bring your cane with you or should I go find it? Did you wash down your Metamucil with that glass of chardonnay?” Leeanne exploded. How DARE YOU? No one treats a woman who lives in a ranch house with her boyfriend of 17 years this way. She had not put together 176 charity events in the last two decades to be treated this way. “You want to hang out with this trash?” she asked Stephanie with her index finger jamming into her face. She promptly turned and threw her wine glass on a table shattering it into pieces and staining the evening dress Cary’s husband had laid out for her. Stephanie turned and clung to the wall. “She’s crazy,” she whispered. Brandi wiped some of her heavy makeup onto a napkin. She had done enough.
Leeanne becomes unglued when she realizes she is being filmed for a reality television show.
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