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There Goes The Motherhood Recap: Meghan and Nick

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This week on There Goes The Motherhood Meghan and Nick celebrated their anniversary, Jen attacked Beth during mommy group, and Steffanie’s son grappled with his fear of dogs.

MEGHAN AND NICK

Meghan and Nick had been married 8 years. To celebrate the milestone they agreed to spend a night together away from the kids, something they had only done when Meghan needed to be admitted to a hospital because a baby was ready to leave her uterus. Normally they would honor another year of matrimony by watching their daughter kick one of her brothers in the balls in the pool and then round out the day watching Game of Thrones in lounge clothes while eating out of a pizza box.

LEAH

Leah, however, liked to spend plenty of time alone with her husband. They kept a side property they referred to as the man cave though it was decorated in bird wallpaper to escape from their children. It was a place devoid of any proof they now had twins. It was instead a reminder of the life they had before they were responsible for other people. Here she could wear gold chain tops and carry umbrellas as he watched from a velvet couch. It was important for a woman to remain sexual even after they’ve had two people pulled from their lady pocket. Otherwise how would their husband remain interested? They also take a two-week vacation to feed each other both mentally and physically.

JEN

Jen’s son Rivers was having a 3rd birthday. She organized a cowboy themed affair with farm animals, cool beverages, and organic gluten free/sugar free/vegan cupcakes none of the kids wanted to eat. She believed it was not political discourse or religious fanaticism that was the cause for deep routed evil in the world – it was white sugar. She invited all of the women from mom’s group to his birthday party – even Beth.

During group session Jen could not go any further without addressing how Beth had made her brave story about raising a child on her own an attempt to portray herself as a victim. She no longer felt safe. “I want to thank you first for telling all of us about your unhappiness,” said Jill. “This is what I wanted from each of you.” Beth just wanted her to understand the blessings of her life. “Forget the fact that you are alone and trying to lose weight. You should look at all your blessings!” But Jen had a hard time taking advice from someone who herself was getting a divorce. “Oh, no, but my situation is different because I am the one who did the leaving. He left you, so you have much work to do on yourself.” Jill waved her hands in circles. “I want you to explore this because what you are both saying is very interesting. Maybe one of you could push the knife in deeper?”

WHAT’S WRONG WITH BETH?

Alisa noted it was hard to see Beth’s point because she had appeared to be a robot. “Do you have any feelings? Have you, for example, ever shed a tear or kicked a wall?” Beth looked at the ceiling. “It is hard to connect with you when you move your arms around like a transformer and your face hardly moves,” said Jen. “I wonder if what you are feeling about feeling is just too scary?” asked Jill. Beth explained that things were hard having to pile all four kids into an SUV when they were running short on milk. She only had help on Mondays, a fact Meghan found interesting since she had been at Beth’s house on a Thursday and there was a housekeeper, nanny, and a makeup artist on deck. Beth reflected on her parent’s illness and death and began to weep. Jen didn’t want to sound like a bitch, but she wondered why Beth’s story of loss was any more important than hers. Does that give you license to treat people like dog meat? But that was Beth’s go-to answer for everything in life. “Put on your romper and smile. It’s not that bad. It will all be fine.” But the problem was it wasn’t always fine.

SEX IT UP

Meghan shared that for their anniversary they had planned on going away. Leah was confused. You don’t regularly escape to a sex dungeon where you can pleasure each other? How do you stay satisfied? Jill had some valuable advice. “One of the best things my husband and I do is to yank each other out of being a mommy and daddy by acting like we were in college. Last week we got wasted drinking Milwaukee’s Beast, ate an entire pizza, got into a fight with a bouncer, danced in puddles of vomit, and then passed out on our front porch.”

Leah pulled Meghan aside and offered to style her for her night out with Nick. “I can find you a beautiful dress so your husband will want to make love to you during solstice.” Meghan winced. Sex? That was too much work. She’d rather eat a Stromboli and watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. She didn’t dress sexy. Her idea of taking it to the next level was wearing a tennis skort instead of yoga pants.

At River’s party Jen dried her tears. His birthday was joyful and bittersweet. It was a celebration of the day he was born and a reminder that he would one day grow old enough to ask her to drop him off around the corner from school.

Editorial Note: I cried yesterday because my meatball baby grew into 9-month onesies.

BIRTHDAY PARTY

As guests arrived banjos played and the family dog devoured crumbs off the ground. Steffanie’s son Ellington was terrified of dogs and clung to his mother on a patio chair. “Jen, can you explain to my son who is in the middle of a panic attack that your dog won’t bite his face off?” But Jen was too distracted by the arrival of Beth who she believed to be a master manipulator. Why assure a small child suffering from anxiety that he can enjoy the birthday party with other children when you’d rather hash it out with another woman from mom’s group in the living room while wearing cowboy hats? But Jen couldn’t do anything because the family dog Greta had her own anxiety issues. Being separated from her would cause her to go into spins, jump into a glass sliding door and rip out all of her teeth. While Jen’s dog nanny Joni tried to offer her help placing candles on River’s organic gluten free/sugar free/vegan cupcakes the dog rummaged through a nearby trashcan. Ellington broke out in sweats as Jen and Ali questioned Meghan about her body language during mom’s group. Why was she moving back and forth? Why did her face contort? Meghan didn’t want to gossip. She was just a mom at a party with her kids. “What I can tell you,” she said while hunching over. “Is that she Beth is full of shit. She’s got a staff. I’d have a staff too if I could, but I’m not sure why she lies about it.” That was all Alisa and Jen needed. Now Jen was able to go into a sit down conversation with Beth about the future of their friendship.

Beth felt like things got twisted. Her heart was in the right place and she wanted to apologize but Jen didn’t want the motivational tapes Beth was selling. “I appreciate your apology, but based on my own life experience I can no longer trust anything that you say.” Beth felt like she was attacked but they agreed they hoped they could move forward. “It’s like Whitney Houston always said, I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” Jen said. “We can just dance it out.” Beth agreed. “I believe it was the Judds that said love can build a bridge,” Jen continued. “I forgive Jen,” Beth explained. “I’m just disappointed in her for attacking me but I am not shocked. She might not be the victim, but she is playing the victim.” Jen’s father Bob probably would agree. She was still harboring resentment for not having Mr. T attend her 2nd grade birthday party.

ROMANCE

In Manhattan Beach Meghan and Nick pulled up to a hotel in their minivan. She had packed the gown Leah had chosen for her, which was laying across the two car seats and an old McDonald’s bag in the back seat. When she put it on and revealed herself to Nick he began to cry. They were happy these two. They had three wild kids and chickens crapping eggs on their property. He picked her flowers from dead people’s graves and she high-fived him at restaurants, but they were happy. They had sex later.

Next Week:

The kids try to learn manners. Beth is accused of lying. Hattie refuses to be potty trained. Jen tries to get her mojo back on blind dates.

There Goes The Motherhood, Meghan, Nick, Leah, Jen, Beth

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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