Real Housewives of Dallas
Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Mad Hatter
In this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Dallas the women attended the Mad Hatter Party, Brandi and Stephanie destroyed a wasp nest, and Tiffany pretended she was going to buy a house.
As a child Brandi had a dream and that was to grace a football field dressed in dance panties bedazzled with stars, a bolero jacket, and boots so she could propel the Cowboys to victory by performing jazzercise routines. This dream did not come without pain. Since her parents were poor she didn’t have the luxury of hiring a dance coach. “We’re sorry, Kitten, we can’t scrap together some extra change so a man named Raymond who wears too many rings can teach you the art of movement in our driveway. You must do this on your own.” So she watched hours of cruise ship performances on YouTube. She practiced applying glitter shadow in the bathroom of a 7-11. She taught herself to do a backflip by standing at the top of a hill and pitching herself backwards, like a woman about to be murdered and thrown into a ditch. Her brother would stand at the bottom of the hill with a timer and towels to sop up the blood. “I’m going to get us out of here, Scooter,” she promised. She kept her word. She danced from 2000-2005.
Ten years later she would offer another promising young woman the same opportunity by teaching a private instructional session in a suburban living room. “I understand you want to be a dancer one day,” Brandi said as she squatted into a position low enough to look the girl in the eye. The little girl was confused. “Mom, I thought you said this was your interview to be on Real Housewives of Dallas?” Her mother covered her mouth and then shoved her into a closet. Instead Brandi performed a sequence from the 2002 Cowboys season opener while Stephanie looked on and clapped her hands off beat.
Brandi wiped the sweat off her forehead. “I’d like to apologize Marie, for my behavior last night. I should not have destroyed last night’s charity event held in your kitchen and foyer.” Marie accepted the apology and suggested with time Brandi would come to love Leeanne too. “I love Leeanne. She’s a dear friend even though she lives in Garland. She’s a real sweet gal, but she’s got two personalities. One of them is an obsessed social climber on the charity circuit and the other is a down to earth woman who was raised in a carnival. I like them both. You should meet carnival Leeanne. She is funny. Y’all can bond over that.”
But Brandi wasn’t interested in bonding with Leeanne, even if Stephanie had gone behind her back and sent an email hoping to smooth out their differences. She was a single woman with strange accessories and an obsession with meeting wealthy people who can throw catered parties. Brandi was a mother of two kids and a small dog she carried around in a baby carrier. She was obsessed with her own waste product. What could they talk about?
CARY AND MARK
When Cary met Mark he was a diamond in the rough. With the body of a Best Buy employee and the face of an insurance salesman she could see his potential. I know you are currently married and probably too busy to concern yourself with the fact that you work in a plastic surgery office known to implant boobs when you have a pair yourself, but we belong together. With exercise, diet, and her self described magical junk he became the Swiss-German heartthrob no one ever thought he could be. So now they live most of the year in their home in Dallas with their daughter Zuri (her name was inspired by a breast tissue conference they attended in Zurich), a child who although is only a toddler is capable of speaking four languages. According to Cary she had it all. She can work at the breast factory, be a wife and mother, and travel without missing a beat. “People used to warn me that my life would change when I brought a child into this world, but I am happy to report I can still be completely selfish. I’m living the American dream!”
Not living the American dream was Tiffany. She and her husband K-Aaron (Keith Urban is his spirit animal) moved to Dallas so they could buy a house. “Let’s just say if I didn’t do drugs and shop for the last 20 years I’d have enough money to buy a condo. Don’t get me started on the things I did at the Playboy Mansion.” K-Aaron was hopeful he would make 5 more albums in the next 10 years. “I feel confident this show will help launch my career into a new direction, and by that I mean from obscurity.” But after touring a potential home shown by a woman wearing a ruffled dress from Forever 21 and a cowboy hat from the Houston Airport K-Aaron admitted he didn’t know just yet if he would be happy in Dallas, even if it had a room for his music and a room for her sanctuary videos. “I feel like my dream of becoming a 40 year old pop star who looks eerily similar to Nicole Kidman’s husband can become a reality in Los Angeles. If I stay here I am going to end up opening a guitar shop called Urban Cowboy. Do you want that?” Part of her wasn’t sure.
Later on Leeanne and her miserable boyfriend Rich hosted Tiffany and K-Aaron for a barbeque at the home they both occupy outside of town. It was a good time to enjoy cocktails and steaks and remind Rich that Leeanne is hoping he will at some point marry her. “What’s holding you up, Rich?” Tiffany asked. But Rich had already been married a few times. Even though Leeanne was a former catalog model and last year’s winner at a charity event build around wearing an enormous head piece it didn’t change his disinterest in getting hitched. What if someone else comes along? He had a hard enough time fighting off women as it is. It was the burden that came with having silver feathered hair and adequate legs. Why buy the cow if it heats up your TV dinners and folds your stonewashed jeans?
The theme of this year’s Mad Hatter’s Ball was April in Paris. The event, as Leeanne liked to remind everyone, was the event of the season. Rather than wear a custom made piece given for free in exchange for publicity Brandi made the ill-advised decision to develop her own creation. Why dress up like a beautiful woman with great respect for botanical gardens when you can hot glue plastic dog shit to a plastic hat from Michael’s? This decision deeply impacted Leeanne. For years she had worked her way up the non-existent business of charity career ladder. Why was this mother from Plano destroying it by taking away all of the attention? “Excuse me, ma’am, may I have a photo standing beside your halo of shit and grass?” HOW MANY TIMES DID SHE HAVE TO HEAR THAT? Leeanne partied for a purpose. (Not like the old days when she partied with Tiffany). She was crowned in taffeta glory. Her neck and shoulders were throbbing from the weight of her chains. Her face was powdered in blush like someone had smacked her in the face with a tree branch. Did Brandi understand her sacrifice? But the other women didn’t either. Cary, fresh from a nipple reconstruction session, took great pride in taking the loose piece of plastic fecal matter and placing it on the fold out chair Leeanne would need to occupy. “Did someone leave something for me?” Leeanne asked with gritted teeth. This was a treasured event with the city’s most prominent figures including this guy.
Tiffany shoved a piece of bread in her mouth, the first she had consumed in three months. She knew this wouldn’t end well. But Leeanne couldn’t be baited. She grew up in a carnival. Try her.
K-Aaron suggests Tiffany should find new friends.
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