Vanderpump Rules Recap: Jax Goes To Jail
This week on Vanderpump Rules Lala denies James, Schwartz and Katie still have not done it, and Jax goes to jail.
I TRUST HIM
Jax had buckets of sweat pouring off his over-toxed forehead. “Sure I cheated on all my other girlfriends, but you are different,” he told Brittany. She believed him because she had given up her life waiting tables at a Hooters in Kentucky to live as his companion in his apartment. “I have to reason to not trust him,” she explained as she threw her hands up in the air. Somehow all the times he had taken phone calls or answered texts in the middle of the night in the darkness of their bathroom had evaded her. So what if Jax was using one eyeball to console her and the other to look down a waitress serving mai tais at the restaurant? Ignorance is bliss, especially when you can wake up every morning and caress the face of a man with jagged teeth and manicured eyebrows.
Then everyone quickly moved to the pool so they could partake in an old party favorite for people over 30 without steady work or emotional stability: they beer bonged. Overwhelmed with the options rolled up to the lounge chairs on an alcohol tray Shay begged Scheana to allow him to drink some hard stuff. “If you are drunk you can’t be here for me. I need you to stay sober so you can listen to me talk about myself.”
ARE YOU OK?
James, Max, and Faith retreated to Lala’s room because they were worried about her and because James had hoped she’d sleep with him. “What’s wrong, love, cant you wipe your face and let me crawl into your bed with you? I’ve just got to remove my pull-up and put on the noise machine.” Lala was too distraught for naughty time. “Why does everyone care that I remove my top? Faith did it too!” But Faith was still considered a part time cast member, so no one cared about her.
Scheana tried to apologize to Ariana. “Do I think you and your selfish boyfriend are annoying at times? Yes, I stand by it.” Tom kicked a wall.
Schwartz was disappointed the next morning to report he and Katie had still yet to consummate their engagement. But Katie didn’t see the point in touching each other when they had planned to spend their marriage sleeping in separate beds as they did in the 1950s.
At the beach the next morning Katie asked Lala why it was so difficult to find a bathing suit that was an adult size. “I know I am wearing an ill-fitted suit, but it doesn’t help things when you have such a great body and I am avoiding sex with my soon-to-be husband.” Scheana tried to comfort her as they all took swigs of vodka from the suntan lotion flask. “I get how you feel, Lala, I was once just like you, a lady without a moral compass willing to sleep with married men and bartenders alike. One day you will wake up and realize you will be much better off if you marry a mute. Look at my husband (points to Shay sleeping on a chair with an open mouth and a large trucker hat), besides the addiction problems he’s my true dream.”
Back in California Stassi came to Kristen’s apartment bearing wine and heavy makeup. Things were in the shitter for Stassi. She and her boyfriend Patrick had quickly become roommates versus lovers. “It was like Katie and Schwartz, but without the engagement ring.” She wanted to be included in the group again, but still had some trouble forgiving Scheana for her involvement in a viewing party for a video Jax had kept from their relationship entitled When I Think About You I Touch Myself. With word that Stassi was trying to reclaim her position on the show as Head of Dramatic Evil Scheana insisted her old gal pal was only out for herself. “She’s a loser, and I should know because I’m on this trip with Jax.”
That night at dinner Lala finally took the opportunity to explain to James that they would at no time in the near future bump into each other’s junk, especially since they had tried once before but James was unable to salute the flag. James removed his bib, unsnapped the buckle on his booster seat and walked away from the table despite the waiter leaving a watermelon filled with alcohol and 12 straws in the middle of the table. She was just a tease.
Stassi and Kristen met with Kristen’s most recent gentle-friend. Although Kristen had high hopes for a relationship that would culminate with her breaking into his iCloud or stalking him outside his apartment, Stassi cut things short by informing her he’d already had a lady. She had seen him on social media with a woman that did not look like his sister or very attractive cousin. “I think he lives with her,” Stassi explained. Kristen, who had already gone ahead and ordered him a round of drinks and a Steak dinner ignored her and shoved her tongue down his throat.
Before leaving Hawaii Jax took the opportunity to walk into a sunglass shop and swipe a pair of glasses. “I was just walking around the store and felt bad that a pair was sitting on the shelf all alone. Then I thought about how nice they would look on Brittany’s face, because the only pair she currently wears is a neon pink pair I also stole from CVS. But turns out you’re not allowed to take items out of a sunglass shop without giving them money. I thought it’d be fine if I just told them I could pay them in poses they can later post on their Instagram page. Obviously I am an international celebrity at this point and don’t need to pay for things that are so easily just handed to me.” $11,000 later he was bailed out of jail. He was able to get on the return flight just in time to make his shift at SUR. “I feel so bad for my mistake,” Jax said to Brittany. “If you don’t want to be with me anymore, I totally understand.” “What?” she said. “Of course we will stay together!” She was his dream girl, as dumb as a box of rocks and as blind as Helen Keller.
Next week: Stassi and Lisa rehearse a scene from Lisa: May I Sleep With Danger?
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