Dear Kids, From Santa

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Dear Kids,

Thank you for the plate of cookies. Fair to assume they were gluten free and made with coconut sugar and chemical free baking soda? I gave the reindeer all the carrots, because technically the diet doesn’t start until tomorrow. If I were to be completely honest I’ve sort of let myself go the last few weeks. I haven’t been to zumba classes since November and I’ve been stress eating because of global warming. Someone asked me the other day when I was due. I didn’t have the heart to tell them I don’t have a uterus. Heard any good things about the Weight Watchers point system?

Hey, how about that mom of yours? She’s a real gem. Boy, she’s a pistol. She’s a real firecracker. When you see her tell her I loved her Bachelor recaps. Guess who wasn’t surprised Whitney never moved to Iowa? Me! Trust me, if I could I would avoid Iowa.

Do me a favor, will ya? Throw your mother a bone and pick up your toys. Tell her you love her. Just say she looks nice, even if she always wears ponytails and running clothes. She deserves it, especially since she’s going to spend the next few hours trying to understand children’s assembly instructions written in Chinese.

And tell that dad of yours that I am proud of him for not breaking as many tennis rackets this year. I’d thought about leaving him a rage management book, but he’s really pulled himself together.

I want to thank you for being such great kids this year. I am very proud of the way you have taken care of your new baby sister. I admire the way you love one another. You have very nice manners. Keep up the good work next year.



P.S. Per your question, Mia, everyone in the nativity scene is wearing flip-flops because it was really hot that day.

Santa Clause, Christmas, Letter, Kids

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