Humor

Dear Santa: From The Mother Of Those Kids

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I’d like some gifts from Santa too.

Dear Kids,

I just “mailed” the list of items you’ve asked from Santa this Christmas. I am sure he and his staff of elves will have zero problems making you ninja turtle nunchucks and a rainbow unicorn with fairy wings. Why not throw in a couple more super practical toys to the list like an actual lightsaber or a spaceship that will allow you to travel to the moon on the weekends? He’ll probably have enough room in his sleigh even with his questionable weight issue and limited legroom. Because, of course, you deserve a stockpile of gifts for all the hard work you’ve done waking up, playing, eating food, and showing up to school all year.

Please note the following items I have asked Santa for this Christmas. Can you review and let me know if you will be able to help him accommodate my requests?

Mom’s Christmas List:

  1. The ability to use the rest room without someone wedging their fingers underneath the door, knocking persistently, or saying my name over and over again while their face is pressed against the doorknob.
  2. Makeup that would make me appear as I did in college, before stress and childbirth destroyed my beauty.
  3. Yoga clothes that simultaneously hide my fat and contain my jugs.
  4. High heels that are flattering and can be worn for a few hours without feeling like my circulation is cut off and I might lose a toenail.
  5. A handbag big enough to carry my wallet, phone, diapers, wipes, and at least two bottles of wine.
  6. A vacation on a tropical island where I can sit on a lounge chair, read a book, and have someone feed me tortilla chips and guacamole.
  7. The chance to have a phone conversation where I am totally present as opposed to half-listening because I’m afraid one of my kids might set the house on fire.
  8. A stylist so I no longer look Amish.
  9. A tutor so I can actually be helpful with your math homework so you won’t have to repeat the school year.
  10. Alone time with your dad so I can get impregnated.

 

Happy Holidays!

Your Mother

Santa, Christmas, Dear Santa

Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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