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8 Things Bruce Jenner Should Know About Being a Woman

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Bruce,
 
I heard about your consultation to get a tracheal shave in Beverly Hills yesterday. Good for you! The idea of reducing the cartilage in your neck sounds pretty painful, but from what I understand it is pretty standard on patients in the initial stage of gender reassignment surgery. It makes sense. You’ve been plucking your eyebrows. You’ve waxed your body hair. You’re sporting a beautiful ponytail under a tennis visor. You enjoy a good lip-gloss. Get rid of that turtle poking out of your neck and you are well on your way to joining the Lady Club. But before you go full press and chop off your junk I wanted to give you a heads up about what you can expect becoming a woman.
 
1. There’s a ton of maintenance. You think plucking eyebrows is tedious? Wait until you find out about bikini waxes, Brazilian blowouts, manicures and pedicures, and dermabrasion. 
2. Start coming up with excuses to avoid sexy time. Examples: “I will probably fall asleep, will that bother you?” “Do we have to? I just ate Mexican?” 
3. Expect lots of invitations to jewelry parties.
4. The lighting in the Nordstrom’s dressing rooms might make you suicidal.
5. Emotional anguish over the ending in The Notebook.
6. An irrational need to own perfume you will probably never wear.
7. Misplaced anger over the discontinuation of your favorite bra.
8. A new appreciation for the dance sequence at the end of Dirty Dancing.
 
It’s not all a bed of roses, my friend. But if your true dream is to be able to wear all the lingerie you’ve been secretly buying with Kim’s credit card then I support you. I don’t think I am necessarily inviting you to join my book club, but I support you.
 
Your friend,
Kate

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

0 Comments

  1. Suzanne Casey

    December 16, 2013 at 12:15 am

    And let’s not forget the problems with drooping breasts and perhaps the unfortunate tattoos he may have gotten during his glory days!

  2. Gonzalvo Ballsack

    December 26, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Hey, Bruce. Do you think, by any stretch of your crazed imagination, that a normal, poon-loving guy will ever look at you and say to himself, “Ummm, nice”? You are a she-man mess and it’s only made worse by your hilarious grooming attempts that include lip gloss and a pony tail. Look at James Gandolfini (God bless) or John Goodman and see how an older man can look good & manly at the same time. Give up trying to be another Kardashian, you pillow-biter.

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