Well, I almost was.
Just before Thanksgiving I spoke with the casting team in charge of Real Housewives of Orange County. An agent called me at the suggestion of a friend. I went through a few interviews and sent in the requested photo proof I have a family, actually live in a home, drive a car, and I am a woman. They were moving quickly to hire two new women, they explained. But I never heard back. My sister said it was probably because they had another kind of person in mind. My husband said it was because I don’t have enough plastic in my face. I would have asked my therapist, but I haven’t seen her in months. To be honest I’d like to think I would have brought some sass.
MY BIO: Kate is a 36-year-old mother of three children under the age of 4. She’s a media consultant for lawyers by day and a frustrated comedy writer covering pop culture by night. Unlike some of the previous husbands who say they are entrepreneurs (cough Bellino) Kate’s actually is one. For the last two years his software company has been listed on Forbes list of America’s Most Promising Companies. In their non-existent free time they take turns sleep training their new baby, eating take-out, and trying to finish House of Cards from Netflix. Her inner circle includes her sister who thinks she should spend more money on facials, her friends who also have kids, and the guy who baby proofed her house who believes they are spiritual soul mates.
Pros: I actually live in Newport Beach. I am not sure if Coto de Caza is another town or the name of Calypso sandal.
Cons: I am originally from Philadelphia so I like my hair flat and my breasts contained. I’d rather wear yoga pants than a Herve Leger gown. I would avoid filming scenes, which would require me wearing a bathing suit. I am too pale and I have grown three children in my lady cavity. I also worry spray tanners might cause cancer.
Pros: I would take cameras with me back to Philadelphia where we can meet up with my dad who speaks with a fake Irish accent and to the best of my knowledge is either an insurance salesman or a waiter at the Duling Kurtz House & Country Inn. Did I mention I only met him three years ago?
Here’s a recap.
Then we can swing by the boarding school I attended for financially and emotionally disadvantaged children (Milton Hershey School) and learn all about how I had to scrub toilets and snack on NutRageous bars.
A few potential tag lines:
“My sense of humor is dry and so is my skin”
“It’s not my fault weird people like me so much”
“I’d love to have another child, I just might have to drug my husband”
“I’d get new boobs but I think my face is a bigger issue”
Now, you might be asking yourself how I would fit in with these women if:
1. I wear ballet flats instead of open toe ankle boots.
2. I still own my original boobs.
3. My face actually moves.
4. I don’t lease my cars.
5. The décor of my house is not faux Tuscan.
6. I only wear chandelier earrings to weddings.
7. I’m not opposed to drinking an appletini; I just think they taste like gasoline.
8. I don’t think anyone needs to hear how much I love Jesus.
9. Sometimes (okay a lot of the times) I forget to put on makeup.
10. My Instagram account is full of pictures of my kids and not selfies in the fitting room of Bloomingdales.
I will tell you why.
People tell me things. You know why? I am a great listener. While the other girls are in a catfight I am in the corner with Brooks who is singing like a canary. Vicki will open up and confess what really happened with Donn. Tamra will tell me what Eddie really does for a living. Terry will tell me all about his celebrity clients.
And then I will give you analysis of each bitch fight. Sometimes with dramatic reenactment or with phrases that can be later worn on a t-shirt or a tote bag.
Are you listening to me, Bravo?