If I Had Been on Toddlers & Tiaras
Have you ever noticed that there never seems to be any somewhat normal parents in the world of child beauty pageants? Most of them look like they have spent the last two years smoking packs of Marlboro Lights before finishing off a bag of Doritos and a gallon of Mountain Dew. None of them seem to have legitimate jobs either, because what employer would understand you need to head out early so your three year-old can get spray tanned. Sorry, boss, I have to bust out early because my little girl is competing in the Little Miss Sass and Frass Pageant down in Biloxi tomorrow at 11:30. I also find it strange that they are happy to spend hours curling their kid’s hair and spackling on their makeup, but never seem to have the time to brush their own hair or wax their face. Seems like you would want to set some sort of beauty example. And why does every child have a ridiculous name? I mean, really with the Y’s? Brystol? Maedelynn? Brealynn? Tyffany? Why not just give them some Lucite heels and a pair of tassels? Just make it easier on your kid and enroll them in a pre-stripper academy.
I grew up in the Philadelphia suburbs and no one was competing in child pageants. So it is hard for me to imagine ever being a contestant. Can you participate if you are pale? What about if you have knots in your hair? Do you have to wear an evening gown? Would a Holly Hobbie dress be sufficient? What about a romper?
Announcer: And please welcome contestant number 12, Katie Casey from West Chester, PA. She is 6 years old and likes ravioli and Saturday Night Live. If she had one wish it would be to live next door to Ricky Schroeder on Silver Spoons. Her talent is being able to recite from episodes of General Hospital and Facts of Life.
Judge: What is the name of the contestant in front of or behind you and why do you think she should win the pageant?
Me: Um, newsflash, buddy. I don’t think they should win. You think I am going to schlep myself up here in this get-up for no reason? Obviously I should win.
Judge: Um, okay. What is your favorite TV show? Why?
Me: The Price is Right. I’d kill it in Plinko.
See what I mean. It would have been a disaster.
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That’s how I remember you! I’ll never forget that fabric from the chair and curtains. Sewn by our own Mother!