Back in Half Moon Bay the gang of guidos decides to go surfing. It seemed like a logical idea after consuming a pound of provolone and a case of wine. So they wrapped their heads with doo rags, zipped themselves into wet suits, and hit a cozy beach right off the highway. Caroline and Jacqueline sat this one out since the idea of revealing their bodies in bathing suits seemed like a pointless idea. Why shroud yourself in a skirted one piece when your younger and more insecure counter parts clothe themselves in sequin triangle bikinis and gold hoops? But in a desperate attempt to show off Teresa gets into a fight with her surfboard and is left with a swollen cankle. Since everyone at this point loathes her they let her drag herself back to the RV so her husband could ice it down with a frozen sausage.
Later that night they all sat around the campfire. They decide to get a great game of truth or dare going. Joe Gorga pulls down his wrestling pants to unleash his meatball huggers and ask the neighboring RV for some fruit. He was okay with it since he harbors a secret dream of starting his own Chippendales group called the Chippendiccis. It would be a group of oily Italian guidos between 5’2 and 5’6 with receding hairlines. Albie agrees to a truth. Lauren asks him whether he ever fears that he and Chris will undergo a rift like their mother has with aunt Dina. Albie releases Lauren’s arms around his neck, removes the medallion she gave to him on her prom night, and then explains to her that at some point they will develop their own paths. This doesn’t sit well for Lauren. She had big plans for them. They would build a home in their parent’s backyard where they all could have adjoining rooms.
The next morning they suited up for the Cassini ranch, which is an RV park 72 miles inland between the homeless shelter and the regional prison facility. Teresa was disappointed her swollen legs could barely fit into her snakeskin cowboy boots. Luckily her fringe half-shirt and rodeo hat would complete her look. While riding in the RV Albie’s ball and chain calls and he lets her announce on speakerphone that while he’s been gone she’s moved her collection of beanie babies and pillows into his apartment. It’s news to Caroline and Al who had expected him to ask their permission. Also news to Lauren who has to hear it over a walkie-talkie. This girl is going to stab herself in the neck when she finds out Albie is going to marry Greg and that Chris will live in their basement.
The next day they go rafting in tick infected waters. But it’s a beautiful ride and a great opportunity for the gang to have some laughs, get wasted, and sling some insults. In fact things at one point seem to be going so well Joe Giudice and Joe Gorga agree to take a whizz together. They used to do it all the time before Teresa started to ruin their friendship. One day you are peeing together in your driveway and the next you are punching each other at your son’s Christening. Maybe if they stopped letting Teresa dictate things they would see they are actually the same person. Just two little meatballs trying to spread their seeds across the tri-state area. One steroid needle and bottle of hair gel at a time. I mean, even Teresa and Melissa seemed to be having a good time. Remember that time you told me that your mother would not like my silicon implants? She did remember. It was part of the report she had a private eye put together for her. But now she had her own implants. So things had come full circle. Here they were two women in their 30s with ill-fitted and age inappropriate clothing sharing a love of sequins and bangles. It’s a dream!
That night, back at the fire, while she sat her stump on top of the folding chair Teresa thought that it would be big of her to forgive Jacqueline. Remember there was this whole mess about whether or not Teresa would be going to jail. How could Jacqueline believe the sick stories Teresa sold for $7,500 to Life & Style magazine? How could she accept a headline that just happened to be in quotes and on top of a photo of Teresa, her daughter Capria, and someone else’s Labrador? Jacqueline just can’t seem to get past it. See, she prefers to be friends with people who have real emotions and articulate them when they call every morning at 7:30 to carry on for 20 minutes about only themselves. That’s how she thinks friendships should roll. But Teresa doesn’t really want friends; she wants members of a fan club. She wants people around her that admire the way she delegates child rearing to her parents, how she spends money that should go towards her hefty bankruptcy bill instead towards feather earrings and wedge sandals, and how she pretends she and her husband actually sleep in the same room and love one another. That’s what she wants. So Jacqueline started crying. Teresa didn’t want her to cry. Not because she cared how she felt or was concerned she may have hurt her feelings. She just didn’t want her makeup to run. But they made short-term peace. Which was good news, by the way. And everyone else was happy to see they returned happy and friendly. But mostly they were happy because they wanted dessert.
Author comments are in a darker gray color for you to easily identify the posts author in the comments
Great job. It was very funny how you explained what happened! Definitely got a laugh out more than once!