Celebrity Breakup Diet
US Weekly has an article in this week’s issue about Jennie Garth and her “hot body after breakup.” After her 16-year relationship with her husband Peter crumbled this spring, the 40-year-old former primetime star has been in hiding. But now she is unveiling her new body! During her recent NYC press trip the “5-foot-5 actress flaunted a 20-pounds slimmer figure in size-26 skinny jeans.” Forget that her husband left her. Just erase the fact that everyone is now saying her husband had been cheating on her for years including a tryst with one of her bridesmaids. Or that this was her second marriage or that she is 40 years old with three children and overwhelmed with the idea of never finding someone, especially when she lives part time on a farm. What’s really important is she skinny now. She’s a walking Q-tip! You go girl! Who cares that you have at times felt suicidal or that you lay awake at night clutching your dirty hair? You can wear ankle boots now! We want to see your workout video and cookbook.
Guess what, peeps? You want to know her diet secret? She doesn’t eat! What kind of work out plan is she on? One that includes collapsing on bathroom floors in tears.
I say someone should put the celebrity breakup diet. That I’d like to see. Something more like this:
The Breakup Diet
5:30 a.m. Wakeup from a prescription pill induced sleep. Open eyes and remember that no one is sleeping next to me in my darkened and freezing cold room. I go back to sleep.
9:00 a.m. I hear the sound of my housekeeper banging on the door. In a fit of rage the night before I pushed a dresser against it. Spend 20 minutes trying to push the dresser back into the spare bedroom. Workout complete.
9:30 a.m. Gnaw on a stale piece of toast. Take a few sips from the glass of water beside the oven. Realize it is vodka and spit it out. Take a long deep breath and then drink the rest of the glass.
10:30 a.m. Take a shower. Forget to remove the brush from my hair because I jump to answer my phone and in the process trip over a box of old photos. Wail in pain until lunchtime.
12:00 p.m. Enjoy a slab of bologna and half a string cheese. Pear it with a glass of whiskey.
12:10 p.m. Head to the couch to see if there is anything on TV. Curl up in a ball and proceed to cry when reviewing today’s Lifetime Movie marathon lineup.
6:00 p.m. Head to the kitchen to get something to eat. Walk past the photos in frames sitting on the console table. Study each photos for 5 minutes. Ask myself why I didn’t notice any of the red flags. Pile up all photos. Go into garage and remove hammer from toolbox.
7:30 p.m. Smash photos in frames all over foyer floor.
7:40 p.m. Return to kitchen and make myself a pitcher of vodka and ice cubes. Open up laptop and proceed to make several anonymous online dating profiles.
2:00 a.m. Pass out with eyeliner crusted in the corners of my eyelids and a ripped nightgown. Hope the woman he is now sleeping with gets an STD.
